So, super secret movie-insider know-how has it that sleeper hit The Avengers came out last week!

Since the weekend’s box office receipts indicate that it’s already made the annual GDP of several South American nations, and Disney has wasted no time announcing a Black Widow standalone, in addition to their plans for looping the upcoming Spider-Man remake, a planned Fantastic Four remake, and a new Hulk series into the Marvel Avengers canon.

A Bunch of Tricks for Dumping Bitches

Simon says: In your face Neal Sedaka. Breaking up, is really not at all that hard to do. In fact Paul’s got fifty ways to do the deed. The balance of the tutorial is anchored by session drummer, Steve Gadd’s, way-cool stick work on this post-divorce, revenge tinged fantasy which topped the charts throughout the spring of 1976. It remains, likely forever, Simon’s biggest solo hit.

It’s so cute, the way your little Jessica jumps for the bow in my Chloe’s hair. Jessica has good taste, I can tell you that! Jessica is… what? Three? Oh, she’s four? So is my Chloe! They must be in the same class at Key School! No? Not in school? Oh. Well, Jessica’s only four. I understand. Chloe’s been in school since birth, but she’s 98th percentile in “attention adaptability” so we feel it would be irresponsible NOT to keep her away at school most of the time. They charge us four times as much, but it’s worth every penny.

Melissa’s guaranteed quick fix for depression wasn’t exercise, drugs, or food; it was George Clooney. On a bad day, she could close her eyes and summon him, and they would stroll in the park, go snorkeling in Key West, or sit in front of the fire and talk. His presence in her life, though imaginary rather than tangible, was essential.

George was happiness.

Unfortunately, the George-trick wasn’t working lately, not since her boyfriend Kyle moved out. The absence of both men left her heartbroken and numb, and to make matters worse, she now had peculiar new visitors.

He got the idea from a Persian Silk Tree in the backyard. It would make him rich; a patio umbrella that automatically opened when it rained. He spent a small fortune conducting research and building a prototype. A small circle that was three inches across at the top of the umbrella tied into some motors inside. When water landed on the circle, or wet mat as he called it, the umbrella opened with a “splong.” It had some wires sticking out, the edges where he had made cuts in the pole were rough, it had to be hooked up to a car battery, and it opened far too quickly, but it worked.