“If I had a Talking Dog,” by Aidan Fitzmaurice

Nov 28th, 2012 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

If I had a talking dog I would train it to have a reasonable debate with the postman rather than viciously attacking him. It could politely ask:

“What are you doing in my garden? Please get out of my garden.”

And the postman would reply:

“Please don’t be cross, I have letters for you, they are replies from all those celebrities you write to.”

I know what you’re thinking; just because a dog can talk does not mean it can write. They still lack opposable thumbs. My talking dog would simply dictate. I would train my dog to dictate abusive letters to Kim Kardashian and The Situation and I would write them down for him. When Kim or The Situation reply (which they definitely will, as they have nothing better to do) I would cover the letter in peanut butter and post a video of my dog eating it on YouTube. Kim and The Situation would be all upset and embarrassed as they would not only see that they had replied to a dog, but now that dog is eating their carefully worded reply

I would not tell my girlfriend about my talking dog. When she asked who I was talking to I would tell her I was training to be a ventriloquist. At first she would be concerned as I have no books on ventriloquism or anything but when she heard how good I was getting she would stop asking questions and just start enjoy my new talent. I would get my dog to shout things like “sex” and “chocolate” in a sort of bark like voice in the hope that my girlfriend would pick them up sub-consciously and bring me sex and chocolate.

I would also buy a parrot and train it to talk too. I would hide my dog in a cupboard under my parrot and invite people over to see my talking parrot. When they got all impressed with the talking parrot my dog would jump out of the cupboard screaming “This is what it’s really like!” and chase them all out of the house. They would be so shocked and confused they would not be able to tell anyone about in case people thought they were crazy, when in actual fact if anyone involved was a bit unhinged, it would probably be me.

I would not tell anybody else in the world about it my talking dog as I fear they would want to take him away from me and put him in films with Eddie Murphy and Rob Schneider. I would teach him the lesson that constantly talking isn’t necessarily communicating, which I thing would be very important to teach a talking dog. I would also be worried that the army may want to steal him so they can breed a new type of talking attack dogs that could distract enemy soldiers with insults before eating them up.

If I had a talking dog I would make sure not to ruin a dog’s mystique with nosy questions. I would not ask him why he does the strange things he does, like chasing his tail or running around the garden in circles. In return I would hope my talking dog would not ask me why I do the strange things I do like painting all the tree trunks and shouting at the elderly.

If I had a talking dog we would never ever fight as I would not teach it fighting words. We would only have the best of times together, and we could later share our memories of these times using our common vocal abilities. When my talking dog gets old and needs to be put down I will make sure the vet asks if he has any last words. I really hope my talking dog’s last words are:

“You’re my best friend.”

But to me, not the vet.



Aidan Fitzmaurice is a writer born and raised in Dublin, Ireland. He enjoys the fun things in life like painting all the tree trunks and shouting at the elderly. If you would like to be Aidan’s friend you must track him down first.

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