Hey dude. I know you don’t know me very well, but surely you remember meeting me at our college’s a cappella cabaret in 2009? Sandra Ortiz and Brad Henley were sitting between us, but I remember finding your joke about asthma very funny. I’ve always thought of you as smart and confident, despite your cartoonish looks and average talent. You’re someone I’ve always envied for your mysterious ability to “get it” or “get by.”

Karate Pottery
A method of unarmed combat in which sharp blows and kicks are administered to ceramics.

I was logged onto OkCupid for what I thought was the last time. It was long overdue that I close the book on the droves of single mothers, vegan astrologers and sucked-in abdomens in front of bathroom mirrors. Then I saw a message in my inbox. Well this was a first. Could one of the countless women who had pitilessly ignored my verbose attempts at starting a conversation have finally realized her atrocious error in judgment? No, of course not. It turned out to be a message from the higher-ups at OkCupid: “How’d you like to help moderate the site?” the message title asked. I tentatively opened it.

The Beagle is a complex and sensitive breed—highly-strung and in need of rigorous, daily exercise and positive reinforcement. He requires an owner with a firm hand, as an improperly-trained Beagle who does not understand his hierarchy in the household will grow anxious and irritable. He may even begin to believe he is the pack leader; signs of this may include prolonged barking at visitors, prolonged barking when the TV show you are watching is a rerun he has already seen, and placing take-out orders without asking if you wanted anything.

We are committed to providing a sexual harassment-free workplace. Sexual harassment is unlawful and will not be tolerated. If it is determined that an alleged instance of sexual harassment is credible, the company will take swift and appropriate action against the offending party. Etc. etc. etc.

By now you’re probably wondering two things: 1) “What is that marvelous, intoxicating odor?” and 2) “Why, as I read this, is this exemplar of masculine perfection hovering over me?”