“Electives,” by Michael Price

Jan 22nd, 2014 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

PSYCHOLOGY 1001—THE PSYCHOLOGY OF ABSOLUTELY NOTHING (4 credits)—Quite possibly the sluffiest four credits in academic history, this snoozer examines absolutely nothing, and in great detail.  Most group discussion will focus on why there actually is a call for such a scholastic fiasco, other than to appease the athletic department.  Grading strictly pass-fail, based entirely on attendance.  Pre-requisite: PSYCHOLOGY 1000—BEGINNING CLASSROOM SLUMBER.

THEATER 1321—ACTING FOR DECEPTION (4 credits)—You will learn how to convincingly call in sick to work, explain to your mate that there has never been anyone else, lie about your grades, and fake an orgasm in a dorm lounge.  A class loaded with practical and valuable information.  Pre-requisite: THEATER 1320—KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE.

HOME ECONOMICS 1124—FRESHMAN POPCORN PREPARATION (4 credits)—A little oil, a stick of butter, a fistful of salt…add a bit of spice to those frat-sorority mixers.  No old maids, please.

BIOLOGY 3313—THE HUMAN INTESTINAL TRACT (4 credits)—Formerly called PROBING FOR CREDIT, this class will have you dissecting your lab partner by the end of the first week.  Significant lab fee, mostly for sedatives.  Note: All queasiness will be removed during lab #3.

SPEECH COMMUNICATIONS 5005—MEDIA SARCASM (2 credits)—A graduate level course aimed at improving individual skills in ridiculing on-air interviewees.  Theory shredding, sexual harassment, and delirious laughter will be covered at length.  Party favors encouraged.

ART 3434—THE WEIRD PERIOD (4 credits)—A lecture course loaded with satisfaction but virtually no meaning.  Impact.  Impact.  Impact.

THEOLOGY 1001—GOD IS A WHAT? (4 credits)—A weatherman?  An ex-actor?  The guy who holds the SLOW sign before road construction?  Register for this class and discover.  Pre-requisite: PSYCHOLOGY 1115—THE GULLIBILITY FACTOR.

ECONOMICS 3361—INTERMEDIATE GRATUITAL CONCEPTS (3 credits)—Learn how to tip good waiters, bad waiters, cute waitresses, bad waitresses, bartenders, beauticians, valet captains, and the odd courteous prostitute.  Bonus: by the end of the quarter, you will discover why you should never tip the elderly person handing out paper towels in ritzy hotel rest rooms.  Pre-requisite: any math class that teaches how to figure 20%.

ART 5573—THE MAKING OF A PRESIDENT (4 credits)—You will construct a congressman from balsa wood and thumb tacks the first week.  The final project will be to design the consummate leader for our country.  No copies, please.  Please.  Really, no kidding, please.

ANTHROPOLOGY 1018—WHERE THE HELL DID WE COME FROM? (4 credits)—Is this an ape thing?  And, if so, what went wrong?  Was there actually a big bang?  And are there films?  These and countless other hypotheses will be examined, including Howard Cosell’s recently recognized theory that we evolved stemming from a party involving the Miami Dolphins and their cheerleaders following their 17-0 season about a hundred years ago.  Guest lecturers include Dr. Louis Leakey, Don Shula, God, Phinneas J. Whoopee, and a guy who was there when it happened.

SPANISH 3964—LIVING IN LOS ANGELES (2 credits)—If you’re considering the big move out west or even planning a vacation to pollutoland, this class is a must.  As the saying goes, when in Rome, do as a the illegal aliens do—or, something like that.

RUSSIAN 1001—THE HISTORY OF THE FUTURE (3 credits)—There’s nyet sense getting caught with your pantskis down.

HISTORY 8894—THE HISTORY OF THE FUTURE (3 credits)—A comprehensive look back at the next few centuries.  Ouija boards, tarot cards, crystal balls, and lucky guessers encouraged.  Pre-requisite: RUSSIAN 1001 and the ability to make eerie noises with your mouth.

HUMANITIES 1325—BEGINNING SLUFFING AND SNOOZING (1 credit)—The ultimate humanities lecture course, you will not only want to brush up on your class-cutting skills, but you’ll required to do so.  Spit-ball dynamics and REM techniques will be given special attention.  Pillows optional.

CHEMISTRY 1248—INTRODUCTION TO EXPLOSIVES (4 credits)—Future mad scientists of the world, unite!  Learn how to blow up your professor in three easy steps.  No international leaders, please.  Extremely large lab fee required.

JOURNALISM 1116—ON AIR VOICE TIMBRE (2 credits)—You will…you will…by the end of this course, sound like you have been smoking unfiltered cigarettes since you were three.  Constipation encouraged.

SOCIOLOGY 1665—SUBURBAN STRUGGLES (4 credits)—Lawn neglect, doggie do-do, sibling torture, door-to-door solicitation, etcetera.  Pre-requisite: SOCIOLOGY 1245—BLOCK PARTIES FOR FUN AN PROFIT.

Be sure to check on your registration date.  You wouldn’t want to be stuck with a crummy date for the quarter.

–The Rainy Day Dean of Student Affairs


Defenestration-Dapper GentlemanMichael Price received his BA in Theater from the University of Minnesota in 1980 and has been writing both short and long fiction ever since, primarily as a source of self-amusement.  Regularly published in literary journals, he performed his one-man one-act play “No Change of Address” at the 2011 MN Fringe Festival; most folks even clapped.  A former photographic body model, Michael still enjoys fitness training, working on crossword puzzles and Sudokus between sets, because he is still so easily bored.  He lives in St. Paul with his long-time friend and Scrabble punching bag, Pamela Veeder.



Tags: , ,

Comments are closed.