I’ve already been working on a one-act play: A woman comes home from work to discover her Pomeranian has been appointed U. S. Ambassador to Maldives. The very model of canine sexuality, Monsieur Barque-Barque inexplicably attempts suicide but, fortunately, his weapon is one of those ultra-realistic looking squirt rifles and he succeeds only in heinously matting his fur, making him look more than a little bit anorexic. He eventually resigns his post and runs away to join the Peace Corp, where he not only stumbles upon the irrepressible enjoyment of smoking pickled aphids in a beer bong but also the proper etiquette when passing gas through prison bars.

PSYCHOLOGY 1001—THE PSYCHOLOGY OF ABSOLUTELY NOTHING (4 credits)—Quite possibly the sluffiest four credits in academic history, this snoozer examines absolutely nothing, and in great detail. Most group discussion will focus on why there actually is a call for such a scholastic fiasco, other than to appease the athletic department. Grading strictly pass-fail, based entirely on attendance. Pre-requisite: PSYCHOLOGY 1000—BEGINNING CLASSROOM SLUMBER.

00 Blankety Blanc, Agnostic Brothers, 1988
“the nothing of whites”, excellent on an empty stomach.

02 Lenin Blanc, State Vineyards, 1917
an active, revolutionary wine with the bouquet of a foxhole.