“The Rainy Day Restaurant Wine List,” by Michael Price

Jul 17th, 2013 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

 Bin #  White Wines

00       Blankety Blanc, Agnostic Brothers, 1988
“the nothing of whites”, excellent on an empty stomach.

02       Lenin Blanc, State Vineyards, 1917
an active, revolutionary wine with the bouquet of a foxhole.

04       Pittsburgh Riesling, Le Pew Bros., 1984
a bargain at two for a dollar.

06       Piesporter Hot, Piesporter Kalt, Adolph & Sons, 1939
fermented in a big pot for nine days.

08       Chateau de Harry Carey, Cubbie Vineyards, 1989
blatent and overbearing, with a corny aftertaste, but holy cow, what a

10        Suave, G.Q. Winery, early 30’s
a handsome, successful wine with a smooth finish.

12        Peanut Chardonnay, G.W. Carver Wines, 1853
very dry, even crunchy, excellent with popcorn and a dog at ballgames.

14        Boone’s Farm Blanc, El Cheapo Warehouse, yesterday
overpriced and disgusting, this wine gives grapes a bad rap.

16        Mel Blanc, Warner Bros., 1960
the Saturday morning thirst quencher, two or three jugs of this stuff
oughta leave you Daffy, but don’t make a pig of yourself.

Red Wines

18        Camay Beaujolais, Complexio Winery, 2007
smooth.  moisturizes as it cleanses.

20       Cabaret Sauvignon, Minelli/Grey Co-op, 1966
you’ll shout “encore, encore!” with each delightful sip, after the first

22        Pinot Noah, Bernie and Rose’s Place, 1975
a stingy, self-serving body overwhelms an already demeaning,
dominating crispness.  So buy it, already.

24        Beaujolais Villages Idiot, Rubber Room Distillery, 2006
dopey and ridiculous, with a stupid finish.

26        Lambruscold, 3.2 Vineyards, fresh daily
this wine would be better as a popsicle.

28       Petite Sirah Sirah, Day Wines, 1963
everybody sing!  “…whatever will be, will be…”

30       Valpolicelli, DaWoyks Hooches, 1931
my big brudda, Tony, he says ya oughts ta buy dis ‘ere wine, so do it—

32        Chateauneuf-du-Popular, Chic-in-Vogue Ltd., 2008
tastes like shit, but comes in a cool-looking bottle.

    Sparkling Wines

34        Asti Spumoni, Kemps Inc., 2008
if this isn’t a dessert wine I’ll eat my corkscrew.

36        Dom Deluise, Waistline Bros., 1959
a semi-dry, boisterous wine, bubbling with a rotund effervescence and a
funny finish.

38       Cordon Negro, Gettysburg Winery, 1861
most champagne is pretty spendy stuff but, as we all know, Negroes have
been free for years.

40       Brut, Faberge, 1999
crisp and dry, now available in body talc.

42        Bier mit Bubles, Von Barfenplatz Distilleries, 2006
be brave.

            *ashamedly, we have no blush wines.

            Wine Coolers



chipped beef

sauerkraut swirl

kumquat praline

pork chop chip

Miller Lite

ham and cheese

  **ask about our new Everything Wine Cooler.  It’s really neat.

–the Rainy Day Connoisseur


Defenestration-Dapper GentlemanMichael Price received his BA in Theater from the University of Minnesota in the spring of 1980 and has been writing short fiction ever since.  He is very tired.  He has also suffered five concussions, but remembers only four of them.  Furthermore, he has lost eight pairs of sunglasses since the first of the year.  He craves Diet RC Cola and performed his own one-man one-act play “No Change of Address” at the 2011 MN Fringe Festival.  This will never happen again.

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