A 12.6% unemployment rate among recent fine art graduates is not the worst statistic to be confronted with upon graduation.

Within that 12.6% lies an even higher number of lower job prospects – a number that hasn’t even been calculated before, because it is so sad. In fact, a recent statistic confirms that our university’s fine art program has more unemployed graduates right now than there are pedophiles looking for work as babysitters.

You’re at Café Chi-Chi. The ambience is affable. You sit across the table from your husband, partner, beloved, or cheatmate. He’s wearing Google I-Glasses, Prototype 3, Version 4.0. It’s 2017. People around act cool but secretly glance at him. You see the yearning, hungry looks.

“I won the glasses at the Google game-play day,” he says smoothly, his blue eyes shimmering. “Only three guests got them. The rest got ping-pong paddles. I’m going to OrangeRayTape you now, okay?”

Instructions: Please choose Yes or No in response to the following statements about yourself. If you are not sure how to answer, grab a coloring book instead. When you are done answering, press the “Score Me” button and your responses will be emailed to your mother, ex-spouse, and 7th-grade teacher so that all of their suspicions can be confirmed.

I am in search of someone who would be willing to shake my hand. As an unemployed potential employee, I read in an article that a firm handshake is “the key to success.” Now, here are some things you need to know before you respond/apply: I have nice hands that I keep very clean by

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To Your Parents When you are ready to run away from home, grab a piece of paper from your father’s briefcase and some lipstick from your mother’s purse. If you knocked them out correctly, you should have no problem doing this. Take the lipstick and write on the piece of paper. Write a suicide note

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