Tricia Jones’ combination of organic cereal and milk was lauded an exquisite example of culinary achievement by her two children at breakfast this morning. Ms. Jones, who describes her two children as “little foodies,” listened as they praised her choice of O-shaped cereal from a niche grocery chain known for healthy offerings. When asked, they offered resounding praise for the blending of ancient grains and organic milk.

At a press conference today, Arnold Schwarzenegger acknowledged his adult life would’ve been considered a complete failure if it were not for the fake orgasms, fights with steeds and copious amounts of gold pieces he stole after imbibing alcohol in the movie Conan the Barbarian.

Dear Duke Thomas Wakefield,

I much appreciate the invitation to the racetrack for opening day. The grand spectacle of domesticated stallions galloping across the groomed track is most enjoyable. The glee brought from viewing the spectacular mammals outweighs the discomfort brought on by the sweating mass of working class would be rioters in attendance.