“Arnold Schwarzenegger: I Wouldn’t Be Anywhere Without Fake Orgasms, Punching Camels And Drunken Larceny,” by Tony Cella

Jul 1st, 2015 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

At a press conference today, Arnold Schwarzenegger acknowledged his adult life would’ve been considered a complete failure if it were not for the fake orgasms, fights with steeds and copious amounts of gold pieces he stole after imbibing alcohol in the movie Conan the Barbarian.

“I wouldn’t be anywhere without fake orgasms, punching camels and drunken larceny,” he said.

“If I had not spent my young adult life running around in a loin clothe, sleeping with disingenuous sorceresses and engaging in pugilism with desert dwelling mammals,” said the former governor and multi-millionaire, “I would not be where I am today.”

The successful politician and actor, who now makes a living off of public appearances and uttering his famous catchphrases for charitable organizations, said he would have faded to obscurity after the end of his career as a bodybuilder if had not been for his portrayal of the oft intoxicated thief and mercenary.

Instead of studying political science or attending graduate school to achieve his political ambitions, Schwarzenegger turned to acting and accepted the role of a violent simpleton that would secure him a career in American action films. The role, which involved being seduced by a female wizard who faked an orgasm before transforming into a streak of fiery lightning and fleeing from her tent, catapulted the man into a life of fame and luxury.

The character, which ensured the career that would place him in partial control over California’s state budget, stole a giant diamond from a holy temple and went on drunken spending sprees with his fellow thieves.

He stated that acting like a drunken thief placed him on the road to gaining enough public support to win the highest political position in California, the nation’s most populace state.

Conan the Barbarian was key to my success,” he said. “If I hadn’t played the role, I would never have been able to live a life of such grace and dignity.”


Defenestration-Tony CellaTony Cella is a freelance journalist and aspiring author writing under a nom de guerre. His literary influences include Ben Shockley, Philo Beddoe and Harry Callahan.

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