At a press conference today, Arnold Schwarzenegger acknowledged his adult life would’ve been considered a complete failure if it were not for the fake orgasms, fights with steeds and copious amounts of gold pieces he stole after imbibing alcohol in the movie Conan the Barbarian.

Frisky Business
Assume the position! We pat you down right when you walk in the restaurant to make sure you aren’t carrying any weapons. As you well know, danger is everywhere.

The Debilitator
A chicken sandwich with beef for buns and ham for chicken.

Hash Blacks
These potatoes are charred to near-nothingness, just how you like it apparently.

“Hello…911?”

“Yes. You have reached SORI, the Safety Outreach Response Initiator. I am the screening and dispatch coordinator of your local police, fire, and ambulance services. Do you require immediate assistance?”

“Well, no, I tried calling earlier, but I got the wrong—”

“You may have contacted a multi-national technology corporation that has a partially-eaten fruit as its logo.”

You know you’re getting older because you are aging, and because you are aging, surely you have noticed how difficult it can be to force yourself out of bed each morning. Do not mistake this feeling of lethargy as some sort of warning sign from your body. This new age tendency to portray fatigue as some kind of physical ailment is a bunch of hogwash. Low iron levels are a myth, and any sweat producing exercise can lead to a severe imbalance in your body’s humors.

Dear Principal Andy Lendelsom,

I want to bring to your attention a situation involving your students with the hope that we can resolve this issue. The bus stop shelter in front of the 7-Eleven at the intersection of Price and Monroe is filled every day before school with your students smoking marijuana. They have apparently mistaken it for a clubhouse, wallpapered with advertisements for the seasonal return of traditional meals to fast food restaurants involving green coloring and fake rib molds.