“New Gun Laws Introduced,” by Dan Bateman

Jan 6th, 2016 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

The American government has announced plans to introduce controversial new restrictions on the use of firearms

Following recent mass shootings across the country, the American government has introduced a radical new law in a desperate attempt to plug its overwhelmingly large flow of violent gun crime.

“It is common knowledge that guns don’t kill people,” said Senator Hick, speaking to The Daily Newspaper earlier this morning. “It is people that commit these appalling crimes. What is sorely needed are more restrictions on who is allowed to be a person.”

As of the first of September, all American citizens will require a permit to perform any actions that could be considered “human activity,” such as thinking, talking, and firing a weapon. The permit will cost $100; however, this amount is doubled for anyone with a criminal record, and will last for a period of twelve months. The U.S. government will also have the power to refuse the sale of a permit to dangerous individuals. These restrictions have been introduced following a string of violent gun crimes that has been sweeping across the U.S.

“It is clear to me,” continued the senator, “that these shootings could not have taken place if the perpetrators were not permitted to live as human beings. It astounds me that these measures have not been taken sooner, and it is my firm belief that this law will save countless lives.”

Police chief Gerald Blackbeat is all for the new permit, saying that it won’t just help end gun crime, but will have a massive impact on all crime.

“Try robbing a bank when you can’t walk,” he told a press conference shortly after the law was announced. “Not so easy is it? How about resisting arrest? Try calling a lawyer when you’re not allowed to talk. My job just got a whole lot easier.”

However, this begs the question of what will happen to those who cannot afford, or have been refused, a permit. It has been speculated that these people will be allowed to eat, drink, and remain in a seated position, but not engage in any additional activity. It has also been announced that a permit holder will be granted the power to transport a non-permit holder, or “nonce,” via a vehicle or transportation device, such as a wheelchair. However, the nonce will be required to wear a large conical hat sporting a bold capital N at all times.

Gary Mcshooty-bang, spokesman for the National Rifle Association (NRA), has expressed strong opinions in favor of the new law.

“For too long, guns have been landed with the blame for what are obviously human crimes. Living as a gun in America is often a struggle, but this new law has set our great nation upon a new path toward freedom. I have a dream that one day I will walk down the street hand in hand with my M16, and the police will not be called. God bless America.”

Human rights activists across the globe have risen up to condemn this new law, branding it “shameful” and “unconstitutional.” The members of these groups have not, however, purchased a permit to express such opinions, and so the extent of their outrage cannot be published here.
Defenestration-Dan BatemanDan Bateman says, “My name’s Dan and I have opinions. Important opinions. However unwanted, uninformed, irrelevant, or biased, it is my mission to spread these opinions around the world, and I think that’s a pretty noble cause.

“I’m a third year English and Creative Writing student at Falmouth University, and as a result, I write things. Writing is something of a passion of mine, so I write as much as I can. In fact, I’m writing right now. I’m a scientologist; I can ride a unicycle; and my password is CockNballz. One of those statements is true… can you guess which one?”

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