“Inconvenience, the Movie,” by Alexei Kalinchuk

Dec 30th, 2015 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

First off, the film runs three hours with dialogue in an invented language that is translated but shown in subtitles that don’t show up well against certain backgrounds. That’s half the movie. Also, special glasses must be worn. Concession stand fare, just for this feature, requires utensils but you must use your non-dominant hand to feed. Those patrons who are ambidextrous are not allowed utensils. Midway into the showing, everyone must switch seats. Each theatre is monitored for strict compliance with this policy. Invariably, many ticket-buyers end up demanding their money back, but they won’t get it back until they call the toll-free number and sit on hold for three hours before a customer service rep will mistype their name so that the refund check is uncashable unless the recipient is willing to drive to that part of town with the potholes where they won’t be so particular if a name is misspelt. A one-dollar fee is charged for this service.

Oddly, those who finish the film are ecstatic in their reviews of it and urge all their friends to see it.

No, they won’t see it with you. But every minute of those three hours they will wait for you outside, circling the block. Just for this feature, all parking around the theatre is extremely limited.
Defenestration-VikingAlexei Kalinchuk says, “I’ve been published in the UK anthology Punk! Punk! and with Foliate Oak, and am almost a Master in the art of Ukrainian Massage. Also, my knowledge of root vegetables has kept me in great demand on the expert witness circuit.”

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