This is a movie that doesn’t exist but probably should. It would make a suitable follow-up to my first movie, Cartoon Zombie Freakout (which also doesn’t exist).

I am a black American man who rides a scooter. Neighbors shout “Euro-Negro!” as I cruise through the hood on this un-American vehicle wearing slim-fit slacks and a cardigan made of cloned lamb’s wool available only from a top-secret facility in South Korea, and Urban Outfitters. Passing motorists laugh as I lean forward on the fragile machine and struggle to maintain a steady speed while riding up a steep hill. Worst of all, so-called friends mock my boasts of spending four dollars a week on gas with a simple but biting comeback, “You can’t put a price on your manhood.” But before you judge, let me tell you why I ride a scooter.

With the advent of the internet, people now have a new medium to “get discovered” on, hence my column… In the sea of talent, there are dim bulbs who take Edison’s quote of “Success is 10 percent inspiration and 90 percent perspiration,” and focus on the 90% to pump out crap as if King Midas

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After living and working among dorks (geeks, nerds, whatever) for many years, I began to suspect that there were two main kinds: those that could function outside of dorkdom, and those that could not. I vainly thought that my friends and I were all the former. You know, dorks with jobs and girlfriends and interests outside of whatever the hell made us dorky in the first place.

Football (REAL football, not this soccer nonsense), a sport enjoyed by Americans the world over. A game where it’s not only allowed, but encouraged to knock the crap out of people much smaller than you. A sport that has a holiday dedicated to it, where the main course consists of various meats covered with various

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