I have been informed by Orvis and Recreation.gov that fly fishing brings one close to nature. I can see how standing in the middle of a stream would do that. Clearly Orvis and Recreation.gov have in mind a proximity that is more than just physical. Unfortunately, they do not specify. Orvis, however, claims that fly fishing facilitates this proximity by requiring one to mimic prey, whereas Recreation.gov cites fly fishing’s requirements for skill and grace. Curious as to where fly fishing might deliver one, I decided to do some research.

Have any of you ever had a gnome infestation? They’re the worst. They carve these little niches in your body and just start living there as if it were some fleshy motel. Gnomes aren’t known for their cleanliness, either, so after a week or two of living inside your body, the toilet’s backed up, the sheets are stained, and the floor is covered with fast food wrappers, newspaper clippings, and vintage porno mags. Keep in mind this is all happening inside your body.

This is completely hypothetical. It’s also an image.

My wife is a NICU nurse, meaning that even without witnessing the births of my children, I would be elbows-deep in neonatal vocabulary. Case in point: from where I’m sitting RIGHT THIS SECOND, a bookshelf filled with medical textbooks threatens to collapse on me.

Dear JANE SMITH

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