20th Century Serial Killer Belle Gunness: What’s In My Bag?

Feb 24th, 2014 | By | Category: Columns


 What's in my bag


Belle Gunness is not afraid to get her hands dirty. “I adore my Laura Ashley Cressida Chic Gardening Gloves,” the most prolific female serial killer of the 20th century exclaims. “I spend a lot of time in my backyard burying all sorts of extremities, I mean Easter lilies. They also keep my hands wonderfully soft when I’m counting money from life-insurance payouts.”

Looks That Kill

“I’m a tall woman, it’s what caught my  husbands’ attentions. But even though I’m a dead farmer’s wife, I love a great heel, like Kurt Geiger’s Britton in red. With these shoes I’m always a sexy widow or bride-to-be!”


She Didn’t Start the Fire!

“Smoking is a disgusting habit, I killed a man because of it. Nearly killed. Yes. However, I’ve grown rather fond of my Hello Kitty lighter, which was given to me by someone who is no longer around–this farm. It’s useful when you need to start up a romantic fire for a loved one, or as part of an elaborate scheme to fake your own death. Ladies, we’ve all been there!”

 Forever Young

“Looking well-rested and fresh is always in the forefront of my mind. (1. Looking well-rested and fresh 2. Eliminating witnesses.) That’s why I am such a fan of Ahava SPF 50 Sunscreen.”

Read All About It

I spend a lot of time writing personal advertisements in search of my next walking wallet, or what other people call “a husband.” Ha, I love to joke! Anyways, I like to take breaks by reading romance novels or self-help books. I’m thinking of writing my own self-help book: Fake It Until You Make It and by “It” I Mean: Convince Everyone You’re Dead and Move to Key West.

What Else Is In Belle’s Bag?:

  • Subtle Lurex Oblong Scarf in hot pink
  • Miscellaneous keys
  • Rodin perfume
  • Rope
  • Norwegian Arctic Candy
  • Eos lip balm
  • Miniature pink safe (don’t you dare touch that!)

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