The Beagle is a complex and sensitive breed—highly-strung and in need of rigorous, daily exercise and positive reinforcement. He requires an owner with a firm hand, as an improperly-trained Beagle who does not understand his hierarchy in the household will grow anxious and irritable. He may even begin to believe he is the pack leader; signs of this may include prolonged barking at visitors, prolonged barking when the TV show you are watching is a rerun he has already seen, and placing take-out orders without asking if you wanted anything.

Last night, I had a strange dream. And while I could not begin to describe the flowery wonderland of my subconscious, I awoke this morning with three Truths that seemed very urgent. Truth 1: Mad Libs were awesome. Do you remember Mad Libs? You had a sheet of paper that asked you to list out

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For your Sunday enjoyment… Ohio!

Hmm. I don’t really know what to say about this one.

We are committed to providing a sexual harassment-free workplace. Sexual harassment is unlawful and will not be tolerated. If it is determined that an alleged instance of sexual harassment is credible, the company will take swift and appropriate action against the offending party. Etc. etc. etc.

By now you’re probably wondering two things: 1) “What is that marvelous, intoxicating odor?” and 2) “Why, as I read this, is this exemplar of masculine perfection hovering over me?”