May 28th, 2013 | By | Category: Columns

Last night, I had a strange dream. And while I could not begin to describe the flowery wonderland of my subconscious, I awoke this morning with three Truths that seemed very urgent.

Truth 1: Mad Libs were awesome.

Do you remember Mad Libs? You had a sheet of paper that asked you to list out all of these nouns, verbs and adjectives. Then you were given a story and you filled in the blanks with the words you previously listed and ended up with a delightful congealed mass of absurdity. Of course, many of us stocked as many dirty words as possible. It was delightful. We’d squeal in delight over having the character drink wine out of toilet bowls while the princess squashed her poop on a jar of pickles. Thanks to Mad Libs, everyone was capable of creating divine toilet-humor stories. Beautiful.

Truth 2: Teresa Guidice of Bravo’s The Real Housewives of New Jersey is the epitome of evil.

Anyone with common sense can tell that Teresa is manipulative, paranoid and has let fame destroy her already troubled relationships with those around her. But then, anyone with common sense doesn’t waste their time watching the brain fart that is Real Housewives.

Truth 3:  That Sorority Girl Rant Email really did happen.

Just in case you don’t know what I’m talking about, Gawker has the full story  (as well as the full transcripts) here.

Now, what I find disturbing about this Sorority Rant is that we still live in an age of extreme social injustice, poverty, violence and climate change. So, what is this girl’s problem? As I read, I kept wondering if she dropped another F-Bomb, would it explode into a bunch of F’ing stars?! Women are still so stigmatized and targeted for violence that this letter shows some very poor priorities. It’s enough to make the Feminist Mothership want to forsake the entire planet.

So, considering how humorous-depressing-appalling-embarrassing this email rant is –  I’ve decided to turn into something we can enjoy briefly. Below you have the Sorority Rant Mad Libs Special Edition. Just fill out your words, put them in and enjoy. Once you’re done, have a little chuckle and then we can move on with our lives and focus on important stuff.

(And as an extra bonus, I’ve included pictures of the Lady of Darkness herself, Teresa Guidice, so you can actually imagine her reading this out loud. You’re welcome.)


mad libs





If you just opened this like I told you to, 1.______ yourself down to whatever 2._______ you’re 3.______ in, because this email is going to be a 4._______ 5._______ 6._______.

For those of you that have your heads stuck under 7.______, which apparently is the majority of this 8.______, we have been 9.______ UP in terms of night time events and general social interactions with 10.________. I’ve been getting texts on texts about people LITERALLY being so fucking 11._______ and so fucking 12._______. If you’re reading this right now and saying to yourself “But 13._______, I’ve been having so much fun with my sisters this week!”, then punch yourself in the 14._______ right now so that I don’t have to fucking find you on campus to do it myself.


I do not give a flying fuck, and 15._______ does not give a flying fuck, about how much you fucking love to talk to your 16._______. You have 361 days out of the fucking year to talk to 17._______, and this week is NOT, I fucking repeat NOT ONE OF THEM. This week is about fostering relationships in the 18._______, and that’s not fucking possible if you’re going to stand around and talk to each other and not our matchup. Newsflash you 19._______ 20._______: 21._______ DON’T LIKE BORING 22._______. Oh wait, DOUBLE FUCKING NEWSFLASH: 23._______ IS NOT GOING TO WANT TO HANG OUT WITH US IF WE 24._______ 25._______, which by the way in case you’re a(n) 26._______ and need it spelled out for you, WE FUCKING SUCK SO FAR. This also applies to you little 27.______ that have talked openly about post gaming at a different frat IN FRONT OF 28._______ BROTHERS. Are you people 29._______? That’s not a rhetorical question, I LITERALLY want you to email me back telling me if you’re mentally slow so I can make sure you don’t go to anymore night time events. If 30.________ openly said “Yeah we’re gonna invite 31._______ over”, would you be happy? WOULD YOU? No you wouldn’t, so WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO IT TO THEM?? IN FRONT OF THEM?!!


“But 32._______!”, you say in a 33._______ little 34._______ voice to your computer screen as you read this email, “I’ve been cheering on our teams at all the 35.________, doesn’t that count for something?” NO YOU 36.________ 37._______ 38._______, IT FUCKING DOESN’T. DO YOU WANNA KNOW FUCKING WHY?!! IT DOESN’T COUNT BECAUSE YOU’VE BEEN FUCKING UP AT SOBER FUCKING EVENTS TOO. I’ve not only gotten 39._______ about people being fucking 40.________ at 41._______, but I’ve gotten texts about people actually cheering for the opposing 42._______. The opposing. Fucking. 43._______. I don’t give a 44.________ about sportsmanship, YOU CHEER FOR OUR GODDAMN 45.________ AND NOT THE OTHER ONE, HAVE YOU NEVER BEEN TO A 46._______? ARE YOU FUCKING BLIND? I will 47._______ 48._______ 49._______ the next person I hear about doing something like that, and I don’t give a fuck if you 50._______ me, I WILL FUCKING ASSAULT YOU.


“Ohhh , 51._______ I’m now crying because your email has made me oh so so sad”. Well good. If this email applies to you in any way, meaning if you are a little 52._______ that 53._______ in the corners at night or if you’re a weird 54._______ that does weird 55._______ during the day, this following message is for you:



And for those of you who are offended at this email, I would apologize but I really don’t give a 56._______. Go 57._______ yourself.




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