“An Overview of Popular Dog Breeds,” by Molly Schoemann

May 29th, 2013 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

The Beagle:

The Beagle is a complex and sensitive breed—highly-strung and in need of rigorous, daily exercise and positive reinforcement.  He requires an owner with a firm hand, as an improperly-trained Beagle who does not understand his hierarchy in the household will grow anxious and irritable.  He may even begin to believe he is the pack leader; signs of this may include prolonged barking at visitors, prolonged barking when the TV show you are watching is a rerun he has already seen, and placing take-out orders without asking if you wanted anything.  Many Beagles grow up with the vague, troubled sense that their lives should have turned out differently; it is not unusual to hear one lament that he often feels like a Chow trapped in a Beagle’s body.  Owners would do well to remember that a Beagle is usually his own harshest critic.  This breed is prone to ear infections, sheds heavily during the summer months, and feels just terrible about that.

The Collie:

A dashing animal with a regal posture and an even temper, Collies are hard workers who feel happiest when they are given a job to do, even if it’s just defrosting the freezer, programming the TiVo, or herding the children back and forth across the living room.  Collies will become anxious and destructive if they are not active enough—and may demonstrate their unhappiness by rearranging the den furniture while you’re gone or cleaning out your closet without your permission– so make sure you challenge them, mentally and physically, on a daily basis.  (Doing a crossword puzzle out loud in front of them does not count.)  Collies enjoy varied diets, so take advantage of this breed’s tendency toward culinary exploration and try new restaurants with him—or just be extra careless in the kitchen during meal preparation and let food fall on the floor a lot.  Well-bred, trained and groomed Collies are extremely handsome and charismatic; try not to feel bad if you happen to realize that your Collie cleans up better than you do.

The Daschund:

A cheerful, friendly breed, the Daschund will be sure to weiner your heart!  Daschunds were originally bred as hunting dogs; their elongated bodies engineered to chase after burrow-dwelling animals.  The modern Daschund, however, has been bred to look particularly cute in a little sweater.  They also look hilarious while swimming.  Tossing your Daschund into a pool or lake is cruel, but it is also too amusing not to do to him at least once in his lifetime.  Some insecure Daschunds may employ visual tricks, including vertical stripes and platform shoes, in order to give the appearance of tallness.  It is recommended that you discourage your Daschund from such antics.  Instead, suggest that he focuses on developing a more outgoing personality.  Daschunds are generally social animals who tend towards excessive barking, stress eating and online shopping when left alone for long periods, so make sure you have lots of time to devote to your pet before allowing a Daschund to wriggle into the burrow of your life.  He will make it worth your while.

The Pekingese:

The Pekingese is a lazy, self-indulgent animal whose massive insecurities are matched only by his unerring penchant for saying the wrong thing at the wrong time.  This breed tends to have a high opinion of itself, even though it is objectively ridiculous-looking.  Due to its abridged snout, it also snores, loudly, but will vehemently deny this even in the face of irrefutable evidence.  Pekingese claim to love kids, but it is widely suspected that they only say that because it sounds good, since they tend to look very uncomfortable around children, and it’s clear they really have no idea how to relate to them.  In fact, Pekingese and children generally do not mix well, unless your children like to be bitten and your pet likes to be stepped on and pushed around in a baby carriage.  Like the Daschund, a Pekingese would look incredibly cute in a little sweater, if anyone in the history of time could ever manage to get one on him for long enough to take a picture.

The Shepherd:

Shepherds are stubbornly loyal—to the point where it can become embarrassing. A Shepherd will treat you as though you are the most amazing person on earth even if you haven’t showered in five days and have terrible credit.  (Granted, nearly every dog will, but Shepherds will really take it to the next level).  This breed’s unfailing devotion is likely to leave all but the most saintly owners feeling undeserving and even just plain bad about themselves, even if their worst offense is something minor, like under-tipping or telling occasional meandering stories.  Speaking of which, the Pekingese is also a chronic under-tipper.  But anyway, back to the Shepherd.  He tends to be a close-talker, and the meandering stories he is fond of telling are likely to get him blacklisted at more than a few dinner parties.  Shepherds also love puns.  These traits, among others, are what have earned them the moniker, “the awkward uncles of the dog world”.


Defenestration-Generic Female 01Molly Schoemann is a writer from NYC who currently lives in North Carolina.  Her humor has been published in McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, The Rumpus, The Barnes & Noble Review, and elsewhere.  You can find more of her work at www.mollyschoemann.com or by following her @iHeardTell.

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