Hope does not taste good. I guess coffee is best when it is bitter and brewed with human suffering and unfairness.

I can say “Tucson” just fine, but every time I read it the C and the S switch places and I swear the thing sounds like “Tusken” in my head. I’m sure I’m not the only one this happens to. It certainly happens to Winslow.

Recent university studies prove what all owners of mirrors already know: America is fat. To cinch up our nation’s ever-expanding waistline, the United States Council for State Mandated Fun & Group Showers requires that the following games be implemented into gym class curriculums for 2015.

Dedicated to every woman ever. Because let’s face it: a man wouldn’t last a day dealing with the kinds of things a woman has to put up with every minute of her life.

The hick of today is a stunning sophisticate compared to his counterpart of only one or two generations ago. Often flaunting an Ivy League education and a job in the public eye requiring diplomacy and social nuancing, today’s cracker, compared to yesterday’s in terms of sophistication, is as Rand Paul is to Harry Truman, or as Jeff Daniel is to Oliver Hardy, or as Miley Cyrus is to Minnie Pearl. You would never guess how many influential politicians, trend-setters and opinion-mongers are actually outlanders from benighted states like Ohio and Texas and Kentucky, but grown remarkably adept and refined.