“New Gym Class Games Coming in 2015,” by Chris Eversman

Mar 18th, 2015 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

To: Jr./Sr. High School Physical Education Teachers
From: The United States Council for State Mandated Fun & Group Showers
Subject: Mandatory games for gym class curriculums

Recent university studies prove what all owners of mirrors already know: America is fat. To cinch up our nation’s ever-expanding waistline, the United States Council for State Mandated Fun & Group Showers requires that the following games be implemented into gym class curriculums for 2015:

Man Versus Machine
There is a marked lack of interest in dodge ball from today’s average student, so the Council is liberating the classic game from the claustrophobic confines of the gymnasium and moving it to the expansive freedom of the parking lot behind the school. This game is a variant of dodge ball wherein boundary lines are replaced by broken glass and cigarette butts, rubber balls are replaced by the gym teacher’s car, and good natured fun is replaced by remorseless survival instinct. This game encourages students to take responsibility for their own physical fitness.

Not Going to Bed
The only rule of this game is to stay awake the longest to win. The Council is enthusiastic about the game’s weight-loss potential. Studies show that children are least active during sleep. If that 10-hour period of inactivity in a child’s day is eliminated, that child’s exercise potential increases by over 50%.

First of all, this game is in no way similar to the barbaric fight to the death featured in the 1985 Mad Max classic. For one, the rule of the film’s Thunderdome is, “Two men enter, one man leaves,” whereas our rule is, “Two boys or girls enter, one boy or girl leaves.” The Council does not tolerate the exclusion of women from gym class activities!

Freak Out
The Council is sending out kits to every public school so that gymnasiums can be transformed into extremely psychologically stimulating environments. The kits contain three large strobe lights, two fog machines, fifty foam bats with removable foam, a Sounds of the Whales CD, a bag of snakes, a human-shaped piñata, and 300 feet of rope. This game increases metabolism through constant stimulation of the nervous system, and, as an added bonus, creates distrust and hopeless fear among the student population: the perfect environment in which to mould young minds.

Tossing the Football
The Council does not wish to completely reinvent the wheel. Some of the oldest, simplest games are the best. The Council is sending two dozen footballs to each public school in the country so that today’s kids can experience the joy and camaraderie of a simple game of catch. Included with each set of footballs is a hockey mask and a two-foot machete: implement at your discretion.

Roman Candle Baseball
In this game, students use Roman Candles to “pitch” pyrotechnic stars toward other students who use Roman Candles to “bat” at the oncoming stars. Laboratory studies indicate that children are hyperaware of flaming objects hurtling towards their faces, and will employ untapped athleticism and focus to avoid permanent scarring. With proper supervision, the Council is positive that students can shoot Roman Candles at one another without harm.

Sweating It Out
The Council believes that children suffer from a severe lack of introspection, leading to bad habits and shortsightedness. This game intends to cure the problem by removing students from their comfort zones. To play the game, students are locked in the school’s boiler room and instructed to crawl into black, plastic garbage bags. Through fluid depravation induced psychosis, students are forced to experience a range of wild visions, encounter other-dimensional entities, and critique the paradigms that dictate their actions, reactions, and self-assigned standing within the strata of human constructs that they identify as their world. Those students of weak mind succumb to the unsettling imagery and horrific implications, and they are shuttled off to one of the Not My Problem programs enacted by the Department of Education last year. Those students that survive the rigorous mental calisthenics are rewarded for the rest of their lives with a healthy attitude about their insignificance in the Universe and a latent distrust of authority. This game imbues students with the mental endurance necessary to achieve healthy goals.

Please direct any questions to our Inquiries Department, open every other odd-numbered Tuesday, 1:45am to 2:15am Australian Central Western Standard Time.
Thank you for your cooperation. Be happy we thanked you, you don’t have a choice on the matter anyways.

The United States Council for State Mandated Fun & Group Showers
Defenestration-Chris EversmanChris Eversman lives in Alaska. He looks like the cover of a novel about a woman falling in love with a lumberjack. He runs sled dog teams, chops wood, starts campfires, shoots a bow, and does everything else your grandfather regrets not teaching you to do.

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