What happened to the music? What have we become? Johnny Logo® and the Trademarks™ used to be about car commercial guitar riffs and personal injury lawyer jingles, man. Now Johnny Logo® fears he’s the front man of a band that’s forgotten its soul, and is instead making harmonious art that expresses emotion.

Well guess what: Fuck that noise. Unless we get back to our roots, Johnny Logo® is going it alone.

Congratulations on your purchase of XR7-Series K Time Machine. You have made a wise decision guaranteed to bring your family countless hours of entertainment.

No refunds.

1. “I Didn’t Reject You; You Weren’t Even Eligible To Apply In The First Place,” Says Lesbian To Straight Man

For your Sunday enjoyment… a comic!

You, specifically, are being watched by a crow. Not “people in general.” Not “someone out there.” You. This is not a metaphor. This is not a spiritual fable. This is not a goth phase. This is science. We have charts. We have caw-based data. We have a control group that accidentally summoned a parliament of ravens instead (they’re fine now, mostly).

Over a 24-month observational study funded by a grant we may have misunderstood (thank you, Department of Unusual Phenomena and Municipal Pigeon Control), our team conclusively determined that a crow has selected you—yes, you reading this—to be its permanent subject of anthropological curiosity, judgment, and occasional sabotage.