Can I get everyone’s attention?

My name is Terry Clemette, and I am your Operations Sections Chief. It’s a big group, please get in close. Closer, please. We have a lot of material to cover.

When Winslow gets on a human airplane he has to use a booster seat or, on one memorable occasion, stowaway in the overhead compartment.

ASHEVILLE, NC. A local sidewalk minimalist has renounced his soapbox in favor of just jumping really high, reports say. Nic Haines, a minimalist known for his impassioned diatribes against materialism, says he now feels freer than ever.

Sometimes these months (and even days) sneak up on you, but here we are: the August 2017 issue of Defenestration, the halfway point in our 14th volume, if you can believe it (you can’t). And what do we have for you? Another issue filled with the weird, the absurd, and the hilarious. We’re going to

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The only thing to have survived the apocalypse is a recording of All Star by Smash Mouth. And language and grammar, because the man transcribing my story couldn’t be bothered to think of new grammatical and linguistic rules for a story he isn’t interested in. I imagine he listened to All Star and figured out the old ones or something. It upset me to hear he wasn’t interested in my story, because I think it’s quite good.