Prose

“A Few Words About Gary,” by Wim Hylen

Apr 20th, 2018 | By

When they asked me to say a few words at Gary’s retirement party, I was nervous. I’m not much of a public speaker. But when I started to think of what I’d say, I got nostalgic. Gary and I go way back. We started together at the County in the Payroll Division 26 years ago. We were young men then, in our early thirties. Both of us had left the private sector to take our first government jobs. This was back when government work was still considered honorable, ha, ha. We were itching to show everyone what we knew. We had full heads of hair back then, too, believe it or not. We learned the ropes together



“Pamphlet for New Humans,” by Mercedes Lucero

Apr 18th, 2018 | By

So you’re a new human in the world. Welcome! This pamphlet contains some important information you should know.



“10 Ways Not to Like a Thing,” by Nolan Yard

Apr 11th, 2018 | By

1. Before you try not to like it, already make up your mind that you will not like it—this makes it so much easier.



“Universe Hoppers, My Brethren,” by Maura Yzmore

Apr 4th, 2018 | By

I leave the pharmacy, wiping off snot with my sleeve, my head stuffier than a high-school locker room. I carry nose drops, antihistamines, and the good decongestant for which I must flash my driver’s license because lesser meth cooks than Walter White use it as raw material.



“Upper Middle Classhole,” by Alec Carvlin

Mar 28th, 2018 | By

“Mommy, Daddy, are we middle class?” My eyes sparkled with hope.

“Yes, dear,” they answered. “We are.” And then we went out for ice cream to celebrate the fact that we could afford it.



“How to Avoid Getting Asked to Be a Bridesmaid,” by Cassie Title

Mar 21st, 2018 | By

First, be antisocial. In kindergarten, when the teacher asks you to share crayons and play nicely with the other children, don’t. There’s no point. You don’t want to be friends with these fools who pick their noses and use their booger-smothered fingers to touch your back when you all play tag at recess. In fact, make sure you don’t play tag at recess.



“The 5 Most Common Obstacles You’ll Encounter When Transporting Nitroglycerin Across the South American Rainforest (and How to Handle Them): A Field Guide,” by Tyler Austin and Patrick Eme

Mar 14th, 2018 | By

1. Exploding Cargo: This ought to be your biggest concern, as the slightest vibration could lead to you being devoured in a hellish inferno. This is both frequently fatal and deeply inconvenient.



“The Doll,” by Amaya Duran

Mar 7th, 2018 | By

She was Pocahontas in her school play this year. “Because I’m dark,” she told us. Her hair is black and hangs straight down her bony shoulders. Her hands are small and soft as she pulls me through the hall.

Mariella. She’s my blood and two years older so I listen.



“Zee Cabbage Rules,” by Jon Sindell

Feb 28th, 2018 | By

When your name is Dave Von Hoffenschnitzenberger, you always get asked, “Why don’t you just shorten your name?”

“Shorten it?” I’ll chuckle. “We lengthened it, man. From Hoffman.”



“Don’t Think Twice, It’s Alright,” by Carla Sarett

Feb 21st, 2018 | By

We at Architects for You! want to thank you for your continued faith in our firm, despite recent events which, we want to stress, were completely unanticipated. Your new house, and your satisfaction with it, are of paramount importance to us. We at AFY! value each and every customer! You’re the reason we get up every day!