“Doctors Are Shocked at What They Find in Woman’s Esophagus,” by Andrea Goyan

Feb 14th, 2024 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

Heartbreaking Discovery

Jill’s life took a hard left turn the day she was admitted to the hospital for a relatively minor procedure. Lying on a gurney in pre-op, she didn’t know her world was about to turn upside down. Forever.

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Doctors assumed the internal bleeding they’d identified in Jill’s imaging was caused by her lifelong hiatal hernia. They were in for a surprise when they opened her up.

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Encore Esophageal Problems

Diagnosed with the hernia when she was only eight, Jill felt like her entire life led to this moment.

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Jill’s Parents Were Devastated

“I was the youngest patient my doctors had ever cared for. My loving parents did everything they could to help me,” Jill says. Indeed, her parents even attempted cloning a new digestive system. Unfortunately, those efforts failed. Her mother tells the story.

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Caption: In the lab, everything looks like lasagna

Hope Beneath a Microscope

Jill’s mother recalls their ordeal. “We watched from our private online portal as the cells divided. I remember our excitement when they grew into a stomach and esophagus we could identify. Sure, they were small, but everything starts off that way.”

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Life Goes On

But the organs grew no larger and eventually died. Not ones to give up, Jill’s parents did exactly that. Quitters.

Looking back, Jill doesn’t blame them, but we do. How could they throw in the towel like that?

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Caption: Get up and fight losers!


Jill learned to live with pain, constant medication, and bland food. Her parents propped up her bed, a remedy she’s used her entire life. Little did she know what was really going on inside her body.

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An Exemplary Young Woman

Despite it all, Jill thrived. By the time she was 23, she’d controlled the worst of her pain. Her friends all describe Jill as fun-loving, the life of the party, hardworking, an overachiever, and their BFF. The big constant we discovered was that everyone loves – with a capital L, Jill.

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A Turn for the Worse

When a sudden relapse included intense nausea and vomiting, Jill wasn’t perturbed. After all, she’d been there before.

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Caption: Gross.

The Return of Pain

Of course, the return of Jill’s nastiest symptoms bummed her out. How could they not? Jill was only human. Incredible but human.

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Managing her illness again certainly didn’t fit into Jill’s busy life. She’d just been promoted to guest relations manager at her company and had planned her first real vacation ever. A week in Niagara Falls with her bestie Ann. The news surprised besties Anne (with an E), Carrie, Melia, Carmen, and Letitia. Our conversation was the first they’d heard about the trip. All said they were heartbroken not to be included.

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Caption: Bitches be gone.


Jill knew what to do. She’d lived with this problem her entire life. Given a few weeks of eating the correct foods and taking strong meds, she’d be as right as rain.

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Caption: Will God hear Jill’s prayers?

Even the Best Plans Don’t Always Pan Out

Jill’s remedies failed. Doubled over in pain, she called 911. Two attending paramedics, Peter and Huey, rushed her to the emergency room. They both wanted us to mention they’ve become her newest besties.

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Caption: No hunky paramedic pictures for you, lecherous readers.

Really, Everyone Loves Jill

Once under anesthesia, doctors expected the routine surgery would take about an hour. The entire staff wishes me to state they are all either Jill’s newest besties or on the waiting list, hoping some old besties fall away.

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Caption: See above. Ditto for hunky doctors.

Be Careful What You Pray For!

Her surgeon (top in his graduating class), Dr. Fayles, said, “First of all, that creature shouldn’t have been where it was. A woman’s esophagus isn’t a uterus. Second, she better keep a close eye on that little parasite because everyone who witnessed its birth would steal it in a heartbeat. Don’t quote that.” Sorry, doc! Wink, wink.

The doctor believes Jill had been “carrying” this embryo since childhood, and now that it’s been birthed, he thinks her hernia symptoms will disappear.

Here’s hoping!

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Jill is pain-free for the first time in her memory. Her parents have welcomed their new grandchild with open arms (too open IMHO. Everyone wants a piece of that baby).

Jill’s mother, the quitter, suddenly recalled finding Jill in their yard, playing with a strange animal around the time of her impregnation. Her mother insists she squashed said anomalous creature. Now the murderous she-devil remembers this?

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Caption: Never too soon.

Bundle of Joy

Parasite, monster, demon, or Alien? Bets are still out. But one thing is certain, Jill and her little angel are popular! Everyone loves them.

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Caption: All babies are beautiful.

Wedding Bells

This writer recently married Jill. We spend our days caring for our little critter, the sweetest baby I’ve ever seen.

BFFs forever! Guess my proposal jumped me to the front of the waiting list. Later, losers.

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Andrea Goyan is an award-winning author. Recent stories are available in Intrepidus Ink, Dark Matter Presents: Monstrous Futures, All Worlds Wayfarer, Flash Fiction Magazine, and The Molotov Cocktail. You can find more of her words on her website www.andreagoyan.com or follow her on Twitter @AndreaGoyan or Bluesky @andreagoyan.bsky.social



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