“Welcome to Neighborhood.com,” by Peter Gregg Slater

Feb 7th, 2024 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

Adrienne Dalton
At 10:30 this morning, a man walking along Chestnut Drive stopped and stared at my house for a full three minutes. A little later, he came from the other direction and did it again. He’s definitely foreign, probably Canadian. Should I be concerned?

Dorothy Bose
Adrienne, really suspicious behavior. Call the police immediately!

Oscar Hochner
For foreigners who pose a threat, better to contact the FBI. Or Homeland Security.

Mickey Larimer
Blame Joe Biden!

Sophia McKenzie
Is there a maple tree in your front yard? He could just be homesick.

Jack Rizzo
Send him back to the Yukon!

Valerie Grant
Visited Quebec on a class trip.  So creepy old.

Ted Harrington
I own a complete set of Guy Lombardo and his Royal Canadians on Decca 78s. It’s the only thing I have from my grandfather. No reasonable offer refused.

Frank Cummings
Ate at Benevento’s last night. New owners destroying its good reputation. The biggest mushroom slices on a pizza used to be 1.75 inches wide. Now they’re down to 1.55 inches. Sometimes not even that. Wife ordered muscles and they were all dried up. Won’t go back there.

Mickey Larimer
Blame Joe Biden!

Alicia Wong
Frank, did you talk to the manager? New owners often need a break-in period.

Frank Cummings
We did, but she was acerbrick.

Lisa Moran
With all the terrible things going on in the world, like the ending of Netflix DVDs, the closing of Bed, Bath, and Beyond!!! Harry & Meghan’s challenges, this is what gets you upset!

Tony Perez
The place used to be Jabberwocky. Before that, a dance academy.

Jackson Carruthers
Actually a strip club. Went to a show. Once.

Annie T.

Zach Haub
We’re remodeling our den and have a blue sleeper-sofa to give away, DM if you’re interested. It’s twenty-plus years old, but the frame and cotton fabric are in good condition except for one cushion scratched up by our cat.

Mickey Lorimer
Blame Joe Biden!

Kenneth LaGrange
I’m definitely interested, but I would need to see the original receipt.

Yvonne Lindell
What color cat?

Zach Haub
A calico. Terror’s a savage little b**ch and very lovable.

Bobbie Baker
Here’s the plan. If you have the sofa reupholstered in silk, a paisley pattern, preferably red and burgundy, then send me pics, I will be sure to think about it.

Maryam Reza
Tajikistan is a really poor country. Please do the right thing and ship your sofa to an NGO in Dushanbe.

Jed (Rebel Guy) Grayson
I have a pickup truck, a 2020 Shelby Ford F-150 Super Snake (770 hp), red with black stripes. What will you pay me to take the couch off your hands?

Carly Edelman
Took my little girl to Grimes Park.  Watched two other toddlers get into a fight. The boy pushed the girl and pulled her hair. The moms podcasting and texting non-stop didn’t hear, didn’t see. As Hillary told us, It takes a planet to raise a child.

Meg Holmes
I think Hillary said, It takes a nation-state to raise a child.

Beatriz Bonita
Why didn’t you stop the brawl?

Carly Edelman
I don’t mess with other people’s kids. You never know which mom could be packing heat or trained in Krav Maga.

Jed Stern
Where are the cops when you need them?

Mickey Lorimer
Blame Joe Biden!

Vera Massie
That boy is a sex offender in the making. Or a serial killer.

Cedric Cho
Vera, he’s like two years old. Get a grip!

Granny Meyerhoffer
My neighbor’s dog barks at 3:30 pm when I am trying give this really old body a break with a nap.  I’ve talked to the man, but he says dogs will be dogs. Can I sue?

Jamal Henry
I’m no lawyer, but I don’t think you have much of a case. Have you tried ear plugs or a white noise machine?

Sean Morrow
Granny, instead of napping, why not do something healthy like go for a five or ten-mile run?

Gertrude B.
What a dumb comment!

Lisa Ramos
That’s disrespectful.

Gertrude B.
What’s disrespectful is you saying that my response was disrespectful!

Nicole Rivington
This sight used to be a friendly, helpful place.  Now it’s become snarky and political so I’m leaving it.

Les Tompkins

Nicole Rivington
Proves my point. Auf wiedersehen.

Mickey Lorimer
Nicole, sorry to see you go. Blame Joe Biden!


Peter Gregg Slater, a retired historian, has taught at several institutions, including Dartmouth College and the University of California, Berkeley. Even as a working professional historian, he had an interest in creative writing, publishing his first short story while serving as a history department chair. In retirement, he has fully devoted himself to creative writing. His poetry, fiction, satire, and personal essays have appeared in DASH, Workers Write!, The Satirist, Masque & Spectacle, and The Westchester Review.

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