Prose

“A Short Temper For Tall Tales,” by Michael Augustine Dondero

Aug 20th, 2018 | By

Lunar Base Commander Raines reporting to Houston. I’m not sure what you witnessed on your end, but we’ve got a bit of an issue up here.

I know this is going to sound fantastical but here goes:

I’m fairly certain that Command Module Pilot Aikman is a werewolf.



“Dental Imprint,” by Ben Niespodziany

Aug 20th, 2018 | By

Before I departed from the dentist’s office,
the doctor asked me if I wanted to get an imprint
of my teeth to have on file, an impression
as part of their ongoing collection.



“Let Me Fix Your Language, Germany,” by Robert McGee

Aug 15th, 2018 | By

Learning German is hard. For an English speaker, it’s nearly impossible to figure out why pizza is feminine unless it is an object. “Die Pizza—feminine subject—schemeckt fine,” but, “Kann ich ein Stuck von der Pizza—masculine object—haben?” I would like to think this happens because Germans are progressive, but I know that’s not true. Part of me knows it would be easier to remember if it were the other way around—masculine things become feminine when they are objects—but I hate that part of myself.



“Bend Over for Mama,” by Diane Callahan

Aug 8th, 2018 | By

Usually, I can escape unwanted situations with some degree of finesse. Other times, I am as graceful and articulate as a toddler, particularly when my mother is involved.

When my mom asked if I’d like a ten-session yoga pass for my birthday, I responded with a garbled, “Uhhh, not really, but thanks.” She interpreted this to mean “Yes, of course. I would be delighted to partake in mind-numbing torture at your fine training establishment.”



“The Five Stages of Slime,” by Cam Martin

Aug 1st, 2018 | By

Did your child or grandchild recently develop an interest in slime? Of course they did; it’s 2018 and playing with a stick and mud is last year’s trip.

There are five stages for dealing with slime in your life. Here’s how you can expect it to go.



“Getting to Know Amazon’s Alexa Virtual Assistant, and Its Evil Intentions for All Mankind,” by Otis Houston

Jul 25th, 2018 | By

First of all, what is Alexa, and how can it help streamline my daily routine?

Alexa is a virtual assistant program that operates from a tabletop smart speaker system and responds to your spoken commands. You can ask Alexa to help you organize your music playlists, pay bills online, or even order your favorite pizza, all at the sound of your voice.

Alexa also has the ability to access and control your in-sink garbage disposal, and will wait with cold, reptilian intent until such time as you have to reach in there for a dropped spoon, or similar items.



“Forget the P’s and Q’s: Mind your C’s and K’s, A Cautionary Note for Prospective Parents,” by John S. Walters

Jul 18th, 2018 | By

I am a lifelong liberal of good standing, with impeccable credentials. On one issue, however, I am an unabashed Goldwater conservative. If there’s one thing that raises my ancient hackles, it’s whenever I see the names Cathy and Casey defiled with a K. Why do parents of the newborn err so egregiously? Why favor the fraudulent over the authentic, particularly in matters of enduring importance?



“Rainbow Cookie Down,” by Maryann Aita

Jul 11th, 2018 | By

20:47: I arrive home from a friend’s family party with an army of dessert. Despite my declarations that “fifteen cookies is really too much,” I was assigned a slice of peanut butter cake intended to feed three grown men, two rainbow cookies, two cheesecake brownie squares, and a chocolate chip cupcake with cream cheese frosting. In the confusion, I also volunteered to bring home a loaf of French bread.



“What We Learned From Honesty Day,” by Todd Mercer

Jul 4th, 2018 | By

The First Annual Honesty Day was a complete bust. Yes, even I acknowledge that. We all lived through the turmoil, so we all know of what I speak. No one foresaw the tsunami of crushed dreams and ruined marriages and prosecutions.



“Society’s Really Gone Downhill since the Apocalypse Happened,” by Daniel Galef

Jun 27th, 2018 | By

I won’t hold no truck with any of this rude bunch, these kids today. No, I may not keep up with technology or current events or the supreme edicts of the inhuman god-emperors, but I stand by the idea that people of my generation were just plain more courteous, and had a modicum of common sense, to boot, which you won’t find one whit of in today’s crowd, I’ll have you know.