Prose

“How to Avoid Getting Asked to Be a Bridesmaid,” by Cassie Title

Mar 21st, 2018 | By

First, be antisocial. In kindergarten, when the teacher asks you to share crayons and play nicely with the other children, don’t. There’s no point. You don’t want to be friends with these fools who pick their noses and use their booger-smothered fingers to touch your back when you all play tag at recess. In fact, make sure you don’t play tag at recess.



“The 5 Most Common Obstacles You’ll Encounter When Transporting Nitroglycerin Across the South American Rainforest (and How to Handle Them): A Field Guide,” by Tyler Austin and Patrick Eme

Mar 14th, 2018 | By

1. Exploding Cargo: This ought to be your biggest concern, as the slightest vibration could lead to you being devoured in a hellish inferno. This is both frequently fatal and deeply inconvenient.



“The Doll,” by Amaya Duran

Mar 7th, 2018 | By

She was Pocahontas in her school play this year. “Because I’m dark,” she told us. Her hair is black and hangs straight down her bony shoulders. Her hands are small and soft as she pulls me through the hall.

Mariella. She’s my blood and two years older so I listen.



“Zee Cabbage Rules,” by Jon Sindell

Feb 28th, 2018 | By

When your name is Dave Von Hoffenschnitzenberger, you always get asked, “Why don’t you just shorten your name?”

“Shorten it?” I’ll chuckle. “We lengthened it, man. From Hoffman.”



“Don’t Think Twice, It’s Alright,” by Carla Sarett

Feb 21st, 2018 | By

We at Architects for You! want to thank you for your continued faith in our firm, despite recent events which, we want to stress, were completely unanticipated. Your new house, and your satisfaction with it, are of paramount importance to us. We at AFY! value each and every customer! You’re the reason we get up every day!



“My Boyfriend Is Gaining Weight And I Feel Shallow Because He’s Too Fat To Rescue Me From This Tower,” by Ben Hargrave

Feb 14th, 2018 | By

My boyfriend Ken and I have been in a beautiful relationship for thirteen years. What started out as a childhood friendship turned into a wonderful, harmonious union of mind, body, and soul. But now the body part is beginning to sag. Ken’s body, to be specific. He is gaining weight and I feel shallow because he’s too fat to rescue me from this tower.



“Nihilist BuzzFeed Quizzes,” by Zoe Baillargeon

Feb 7th, 2018 | By

Pick your fave food item from Chipotle and we’ll guess the exact time and date when you realized life has no purpose.



“This letter is really signed by the CEO of your credit card company,” by Luke Roloff

Jan 31st, 2018 | By

Dear Person,

I hope this letter finds you confused and reliant on people with money.

I’m writing, me, the CEO, to let you know about how our big company did something bad.



“Piano Hoarding Christians,” by Kristy Gherlone

Jan 24th, 2018 | By

The people across the street will not teach me piano. They told me ‘no’, even after I had put on a clean shirt, combed my hair, and walked all the way over there. I thought it would be like asking for a cup of sugar, like neighbors sometimes do. “Will you teach me piano?” I asked nicely.



“Hold the Cheese,” by Mike Frenkel

Jan 17th, 2018 | By

On this day, I had reached the limit of my tolerance. It had gone too far and I now felt compelled to express my disdain for the ubiquity of cheese that has spread like a noxious malignancy throughout our culinary culture. Yes. You heard me. CHEESE! Fromage. Parmesan. Pec-er-ino roman-o. Cheddar. Prov-a-lone. Monterey Jack. I spit out these words like profanities.