Prose

“Ishmael is Ahab, You Firkin Ash-holes,” by Brian Borrough

Nov 15th, 2017 | By

Item 151. Perhaps the most important literary correspondence we’ve ever offered: an unrecorded handwritten letter from Herman Melville to G.P. (George) Putnam, publisher of Melville’s first novel (Typee) and several of his short stories. This letter doesn’t appear in The New Melville Log or Correspondence, but its provenance is an unbroken chain, and the handwriting unquestioned. All pages have minor foxing; a few unobtrusive tears on page two; one coffee-ring stain on page one partially obscuring the date; several large (including one full-page) blue-pencil question marks scattered throughout. Important, compelling, and rare.



“When You Wish Upon A Star,” by Adam Michael Nicks

Nov 8th, 2017 | By

If I were a copyright lawyer for Disney, I’d do my best to preserve the purity and wholesomeness of their intellectual properties. I’d bust head shops for Rastafarian Mickey Mouse pipes, with their dreadlocks and painted bloodshot eyes. I’ll tell them: that privilege is for authorized retailers only.



“Litany of a Middle-Aged Mom,” by Tina Mortimer

Nov 1st, 2017 | By

So I know it’s been a while. I don’t really have an excuse. But I’m back. Hey. Maybe it was turning 40 that did it. Or that cold that knocked me out for two weeks. (The same one the kids got that slowed them down for about two minutes.) I used to be able to bounce back from that shit overnight. But I’ve come to the painful realization that I’m not young anymore. So like any good, albeit lapsed, Catholic facing her inevitable mortality (God, I’m such a cliché!), I’ve started going to church again. You already know that, though, don’t you?



“Sensible Plans for the Use of Poets,” by Robert Buswell

Oct 25th, 2017 | By

There can be little doubt that poets do not contribute greatly to society. Their work, produced in vast abundance, is nearly valueless to our species. Indeed, the great bulk of their efforts are simply given away; the poems cannot be sold. Yet, I believe that poets are capable of contributing meaningfully to the human endeavor and I propose the following ways in which we may put poets to use.



“Hatred for Beginners,” by Mike Fowler

Oct 18th, 2017 | By

Those who have never hated anyone, for example children under ten years old or saints, often don’t know how to show hatred for deserving hateful people, or even what that feeling is like. By rights they should hate quite a few people, as we all should, and yet they are blocked. At most they feel a vague dismay and insecurity in the presence of repulsive others, or become queasy at the thought that so many folks out there are obnoxious jerks, but they can’t summon the proper attitudes of derision and disdain that all these unmitigated asses so richly deserve. Yet by following a few simple rules they can break through this barrier of reticence and let their justified hatred pour forth.



“Warts,” by Alexei Kalinchuk

Oct 11th, 2017 | By

Grant Sims revolutionized technology. His early death saddened us, but we shouldn’t ever forget that he put all of himself into the products we enjoy today. Now, not forgetting this, we should also know he was human. So let’s allow the man a flaw or two without losing sight of what he meant to us.



“This Is Your Special Day,” by Zach Lisabeth

Oct 4th, 2017 | By

Congratulations! You finally made it. I know the appeals process can be a nightmare—all those ups and downs. Will they, won’t they, will they, won’t they. Turns out: they won’t. Your patience is appreciated. No more waiting, now. Good things are coming to you. We’ve made a lot of changes around here lately, and I think you’re going to like what we’ve done with the place.



“Notes Regarding Becca and Peter’s Wedding Registry,” by Lareign Ward

Sep 27th, 2017 | By

Turkish Cotton Towel Set, 6 Piece, $150

These are very nice towels, but I just don’t know why they need two sets of them. One for bathing, and one for banging? But these are too pricey for that. Sophomore year, she was hooking up a lot and had a towel – I think it was purple, at least originally – that she called “the splooge towel.” She always washed separately. I kept asking her, “Why do we need a towel? What’s coming out of there, exactly?” She wouldn’t answer me. But when the time came, I was so worried that I used two towels. Then I texted her afterward, and she told me she was proud of me, and I was so giddy that I didn’t ask if she meant the towels or the sex-having.



“Food Containers of My Exes,” by Tim Covell

Sep 20th, 2017 | By

I knew it wouldn’t last when Charlie picked out the plastic container for the half dozen cookies she insisted I take home. The box and the lid were different brands. They didn’t quite fit, and she was too impatient and uncaring to find the correct halves in her messy cupboard. She forced the lid, telling me it didn’t matter. We clearly had different priorities. When I called to thank her for the cookies, which she had made from scratch and which were very good, I told her we weren’t going to work out. She didn’t want her container back. I was tempted to throw it out, but decided the two halves might be useful someday, and added them to my collection.



“New listings on RentMyCar.com!” by Vijay Ilankamban

Sep 13th, 2017 | By

Nissan GT-R (2014)

Looking for renters! For only $35 a day, you can rent out my beautiful 4-seat Nissan GT-R. This impressive luxury car is safe to drive, excellent on gas, and with less than 40,000 miles on it, has still managed to hit & kill 454 deer. If you’re looking for some peace and quiet, this is definitely the car for you. The Nissan GT-R is a very quiet drive, so you’ll barely hear any noise when you slam into deer after deer on your drive to the grocery store, to the laundry pickup, or to the end of your driveway and back. The Nissan GT-R also comes with a powerful sunroof, Bluetooth connectivity and a first-class navigation system, in case you’re trying to track down and wipe out an entire family of deer that are on the run from you. Contact me to rent out this beautiful car!