Prose

“Fresh Seawater Lobster,” by Wendy Garnier

Aug 20th, 2017 | By

Perfectly cooked lobster is surely one of life’s pleasures. Making lobster on your holiday may seem like a lavish affair, but we’ve put together an easy recipe anyone can make – spectacular succulent lobster in sea salted water.



“Ham of Destiny,” by Laura Garrison

Aug 20th, 2017 | By

One warm spring night on a tiny farm in Whistle County, Tennessee, eleven piglets slipped from a sow like marbles from a silk purse, ten boys and one girl. The boys were fine, sturdy specimens, if perhaps a shade dull—more bacon than brains, as the saying goes—but the girl was a wonder, clever and strong and pink as a sunrise.



“Immortal,” by Rachel Cassidy

Aug 20th, 2017 | By

When Eddie electrocuted himself dead leaving a burnt image of Jesus on his left hand, it was faintly ironic for two reasons: one, he was doing something nice for somebody else at the time, which was out of character to start with; two, nobody had expected him to live long enough to do something nice for somebody else and subsequently electrocute himself.



“The Registry of Intangibles,” by P.K. Read

Aug 20th, 2017 | By

Dear Applicant,

We have taken your application to register yourself as the sole owner and proprieter of a portion of Hungarian history, specifically 1820-1849, under consideration for inclusion in the Registry of Intangibles.



“The Insurance Pill,” by D. B. Silly

Aug 16th, 2017 | By

Two things we have in abundance

Medications and Lawsuits

Imagine a pill that gives you coverage for life, home, auto, and health. You take this pill and that’s it. You’re covered.



“Evidence That Our Timeline Has Been Tampered With,” by Lee Blevins

Aug 9th, 2017 | By

An early homo sapien sapiens skeleton was found in a cave in Luxembourg clutching a small rectangular device with a smooth dark screen. It was wrapped, quite literally, in the skin of an otter.

An ancient Egyptian mummified in one of the more modest pyramids was dissected by the British Museum in 1924. The mummy had a tattoo of a butterfly on her lower back.



“A Message to New Employees of the Carter Pool Cleaning Company,” by Bryan Erwin

Aug 2nd, 2017 | By

Congratulations on your new job with the Carter Pool Cleaning Company. We take pride in two things here at Carter: extraordinarily clean pools and no sex with our customers. This is a guarantee and it’s one we take very seriously. It’s what differentiates us from our competitors.



“Yelp Reviews of some of Oregon’s Prisons,” by Matt Kolbet

Jul 26th, 2017 | By

Oregon State Penitentiary, Salem.

This place is showing its age. I know they moved it from Portland in 1866, but seriously…the concrete walls are under 15 ft. high. Both sad and ridiculous. On the plus side, it didn’t take as long to get served as when I went to Social Cube in downtown Portland. The bartender there totally ignored me. Of course, that’s part of how I ended up here. Three stars.



“Can We Please Bring Back the Casual Workplace Death Threat?” by Mike Fowler

Jul 19th, 2017 | By

As one who has been showing up at the office for over 20 years, I recall the days when I would arrive at 8 a.m. on Monday, and in response to my coworker’s sleepy, “Hey, Mike, ready for another week in the salt mines?”



“Nincompoop,” by Roger Sharp

Jul 12th, 2017 | By

The English language is replete with swear words, so I was not surprised when a friend’s four year old asked me, ‘Where does nincompoop fit into the lexicon of obscene words when ordered by shock value?’ What kid wouldn’t want to know that? At the bottom of the rung is nincompoop. Nincompoop is a nincompoopish word, not an obscenity at all, but anything with poop in it is game for a four year old. (For instance, poop deck would get laughs.) In fact, just saying poop is more offensive, i.e., better than nincompoop. You turd, even better, and You shit is at least at the twelve year old level. Adding nincom makes poop fairytale material.