“The Patience Library: Employment opportunity,” by James Stuart Nolte

Mar 20th, 2024 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

The Patience Library in Pasture, Colorado, seeks a Librarian/Library Technician. The Patience Library rests in a bucolic mountain setting with sheep grazing next door. There is a view open to the next state.  Half-time, no benefits. The pool of candidates for this job will be comprised of unpaid interns. Salary after probationary period is commensurate with education and experience but not to exceed minimum wage. Position open until filled.

The following responsibilities are more or less in order of importance depending on the day. Some things are more important on some days than on other days. Must be able to figure out the order of importance.

A partial list includes:

Check book drop for kittens.

Check under the stairs for vagrants who keep finding their way in.

Feed all the cats.

Tell the vagrants to stop feeding the cats.

Responsible for the twenty or so children abandoned in the Children’s Library after 6 PM

On dark nights after hours, responsible for slipping a twenty to the bulldozer operator at the town dump to bury unsold books from the library book sale.

Safely repossessing our circulating art collection from trailer trash (See firearms below).

Responsible for writing all policies and procedures.

Communicate to other staff the needs of the Director without being too specific.

Abilities and Requirements

Ability to say yes when meaning no.

Ability to keep book recommendations to yes or no.

This position will be responsible for meetings with public groups, especially concerned parents groups, paramilitary groups, banning books groups, and the press.

Ability to use firearms.

Ability to avoid any criticism or veiled sarcasm about how the Director does not know how to use computers or email.

Ability to use computers and emails.

Ability to maintain the Patience Library website.

Ability to design a working Library website.

Ability to work without direction.

Familiarity with all pertinent state and local laws, especially those regarding Open Carry and Stand Your Ground.

Responsible for turning away the FBI.


Single, without children, and without social distractions like friends and their needs, or family responsibilities like childbirth, weddings, or funerals. Few if any hobbies, including continuing education or other distractions.

The following are grounds for dismissal:

Violation of policies and procedures whether you know them or not.

Failure to meet goals whether implied or not.

Random personal conversations about politics, religion, books, movies, or the weather are not allowed.

May not use the telephone.


Travel to conferences is required. There is no support or remuneration for travel to conferences. Must travel with the Director when he goes to conferences. Must be physically capable of handling several heavy suitcases.

Position recently reopened. Please send a letter, resume and 6 references to: Director, The Patience Library, Pasture, CO 00000.


A retired librarian living in Montpelier, Vermont, James Stuart Nolte resents the little free library that was installed on the bike path behind his townhouse. He has been replaced by a box on a stick.

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