Fake Nonfiction

“Yelp Reviews of some of Oregon’s Prisons,” by Matt Kolbet

Jul 26th, 2017 | By

Oregon State Penitentiary, Salem.

This place is showing its age. I know they moved it from Portland in 1866, but seriously…the concrete walls are under 15 ft. high. Both sad and ridiculous. On the plus side, it didn’t take as long to get served as when I went to Social Cube in downtown Portland. The bartender there totally ignored me. Of course, that’s part of how I ended up here. Three stars.

“SEVERE: A New Post-Feminist, Non-Establishment, Anti-Contraction Literary Magazine Now Accepting Submissions,” by Sarah Haufrect

Jul 5th, 2017 | By

We are SEVERE, the first high-end alternative digital magazine platform of its kind to launch this year. As a visual, shift shaping digital literary performance space, we exist on the boundaries of the big, the obvious, the flashier brick. We occupy the outskirts, but we would never wear actual skirts.

“A Crash Course in Fitness with Dr. Crash Carter,” by Elliott Baas

Jun 28th, 2017 | By

Everyone dreams of having a movie star body, but looking like Brad Pitt or Kevin James takes hard work and dedication. I can get you there. My name is Dr. Crash Carter and this is my Crash Course in fitness. I am a certified personal trainer, I have 4% body fat, and I haven’t even smelled a cheeseburger in thirteen years. In my Crash Course you will learn how to live a healthy lifestyle, have the body you’ve always wanted, and finally defeat Shao Khan in Mortal Kombat II. Be warned, complete transformations do not occur overnight. It may take two, even three days before you reach your goals, so be ready for the long haul.

“The Cosmology of Your PANDORA Charm Bracelet,” by Heidi Espenscheid Nibbelink

Jun 7th, 2017 | By

Wife Charm 70.00 USD: What if all the years and effort you’ve put into this role could be encapsulated into one small heart-shaped silver charm with the word Love embossed in gold lettering? What if finally after fifteen years of marriage Dennis bought you a present for once, instead of telling you to pick out something nice for yourself?

“13 terrible opening lines to ensure your after-work novel never sees the light of day,” by Gavin Bradley

May 24th, 2017 | By

1. The butler did it.

“How Do You Feel About Mormons?: A Questionnaire,” by Ryan Shoemaker

May 10th, 2017 | By

1. How do you welcome your new Mormon neighbors? (a) I tell them Mormons are the just the nicest people, then ask them to watch my dogs while I’m in Maui for a month. (b) I formulate a rescue plan that includes college football and a seven-layer bean dip when the husband slips me a

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“Share a Coke, I Guess,” by Hunter Toro

May 3rd, 2017 | By

In a statement to the press this week, Coca Cola reflected on the recent release of their new marketing campaign—“Share a Coke, Passive Aggressively.”

“Dear Abby, What Should I Do When a Slightly More Obnoxious Version of Myself from a Nearly Identical Universe Finds a Portal Through His Refrigerator into My Universe?” by James Adams Smith

Apr 19th, 2017 | By

Dear Abby,

What should I do when a slightly more obnoxious version of myself from a nearly identical universe finds a portal through his refrigerator into my universe, shows up totally unannounced, criticizes my taste in music and literature, and then eats all my chocolate covered pretzels?

“A notice. A reply.” by Jamie Richmond

Apr 5th, 2017 | By

Please accept this letter as a formal notification that I am resigning from my position as a telesales operator with FDE Energy. I understand it is normal practice for staff to work a period of notice. However, as I am still waiting for two weeks’ worth of wages from overtime I don’t think that transition period is necessary so I will not be coming into work anymore. I packed all my belongings on Saturday when I was forced to work yet again, so my return is no longer necessary.

“Robot Impregnates Woman, Sues for Fatherhood Rights,” by Liz Nguyen

Mar 29th, 2017 | By

“I’m going to be a father,” says robot Karl Weindfeller. The 6’ 2” LED-eyed, copper-plated machine makes history as the first metal man to impregnate a human woman and lay claim to her unborn child. A customer service representative at Mueller Brewery, Weindfeller is suing his one-night partner and carrier of the fetus, Alexandra Bourne, for legal recognition as the daddy.