“Welcome, Cubic Zirconia Member™!” by Daniel Sennis

Oct 4th, 2023 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

We’re so glad you’ve decided to stay at one of our thousands of Slightly Better Than Average™ hotels.

As a Cubic Zirconia Member™, you are entitled to park anywhere you like in the Denny’s lot next door! Just let Tad, the night manager over there know when he arrives for his shift at 8 because sometimes he forgets and calls for a tow!

After your long trip to get here, you will want to take advantage of a nice, refreshing Dixie cup of water, exclusive for our Cubic Zirconia Members™. Want a refill? Try our Pyrite Membership™!

When you get to your room, make yourself comfortable on your fully inflated Flair Bed™. Enjoy your complimentary Try-Fi, which is just like Wi-Fi, but with the added excitement of not knowing when or if it will work! Want to make sure it works? Try our Nickel Silver Membership™!

Relax, grab a remote, and watch any one of our nearly half dozen TV channels. We are proud to offer such premium channels as NDC (Nothing But Dane Cook) and Show Tim, which features our very own night clerk Tim providing feisty takes on his colleagues. Don’t miss his 4-part mini-series on the recent towel restocking crisis, The Stacker Slacker. Want NBC? Try our Marble Countertop Membership.™

Then enjoy a swim in our Pool™.  A Pool™ is what we call our bathtubs—isn’t that fun!  Don’t think that’s fun? Upgrade to our Whatever Pools Are Made of Membership™ for regular pool access.

Finally, after a decent to poor night’s sleep, join us in the morning for our complimentary breakfast. You’re going to want to get there quickly, though, because the Communal Pot O’ Porridge™ goes surprisingly quickly. Don’t like communal porridge? Try our Go Stay Somewhere Else Membership! LOL.

Once again, we’re delighted that you’re willing to spend a ton o’ money for just slightly better than average accommodations, and keep earning those Cubic Zirconia Pointz™ to earn extra Slops™ at the porridge pot!


Daniel Sennis is America’s most attractive writer (clearly). He is a poet, rapper, open mic night hero, satirist and champion mall walker. He is the author of “O Conman! My Conman! Sick Rhymes for Sick Times.” He also runs Central North American News, a satirical news site devoted to covering the region betwixt Canada and Mexico. He has won the McDonald’s & Fox WXXA Why My Teacher is an Extra Special Teacher k-6 Essay Contest and has been published in McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, Lake Affect Magazine, Chronogram, and Hobo Camp Review. He would like to follow in the footsteps of his literary idol, Mark Twain. He would also like to follow in the footsteps of a rich man with a hole in his pocket. More of his ridiculousness can be found at danielsennis.blogspot.com.

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