Fake Nonfiction

“To The Influencer It May Concern,” by Catherine Lazăr

Aug 12th, 2020 | By

This letter is my formal resignation of all duties and services as your personal cellular telephone. While I am aware my sudden departure will cause considerable strain on your social life and estimated self-worth, I am no longer comfortable performing aspects of my job that I consider degrading, fraudulent, and a misuse of my abilities



“The Last Letters of The Halfpipe Lord,” by Michael Somes

Jul 29th, 2020 | By

Dear Customer Relations,

I am writing you regarding the frozen H. Habilis I recently purchased from your store. While I admit I would be hard pressed to find a more apt section for such a product than Frozen Novelties, generally one assumes that such items are made from ice-cream or a similar substance. Indeed, this is precisely the assumption I made, and while I wondered what exactly to do with an ice-cream model of H. Habilis, such a large quantity of ice-cream available at only 99.99 was difficult to turn down. Imagine my surprise then, when I went to section my purchase so he might fit in my freezer and discovered that this was a living (or formerly living) creature of flesh and blood.



“In Defense of My New Girlfriend, A Cannibal,” by G.G. Russey

Jul 22nd, 2020 | By

Hello everyone,

You’ve all voiced concerns about my new girlfriend, Jules. While I appreciate your desire to insinuate yourselves into my personal business, I can assure you that Jules is amazing.

I’ll admit, I didn’t know she was a cannibal at first. She doesn’t like to use that word because of how society has stigmatized it. Her profile said she was an anthropophagist, which I thought meant she was a professor or something. We both had a good laugh about that.



“Grocery Bragging Rights: A Day in the Life of a Dignified Grocery Bagger,” by J.B. Davis

Jul 15th, 2020 | By

As a certified grocery bagger at the local Freddy’s Foods, it is my Assistant Manager given right to discuss, with each customer, the items that they have purchased as I bag for them. I would also add that I can do so as loudly as needed to ensure that the customer is satisfied. I refuse to remain quiet and let the cashier dominate the conversation, to where I’m only allowed to ask, “Paper or plastic?” 



“Praise for the New Short Story Collection SCINTILLAE by Clive Branigan,” by Rick Kast

Jul 1st, 2020 | By

“A drinking buddy turned me on to these stories.  I looked for the book after we’d been out bar hopping but couldn’t find it.  Barnes and Noble said they could order it.  I didn’t know much about chinchillas before the book arrived.  Fascinating!”