Fake Nonfiction

“A letter from the lads of Ladies’ Choice Feminine Care to all feminists,” by Ella Gonzalez

Feb 15th, 2017 | By

Dear feminists complaining about blue liquid in feminine hygiene commercials,

We accede to your demands and have heard your cries! No longer will we use blue liquid in tampon and pad commercials. Following the rupture of our respective eardrums after being nagged to death by the sound of your shrill voices, the men of Ladies’ Choice Feminine Care propose a peace offering.



“Ad For a Freelance Band Namer,” by Kate Penney

Feb 8th, 2017 | By

Attention, Potential Bands:

So maybe you’re a group of old college buddies who’ve rallied around the idea that it’s your Duty to Transform The World through the power of Great Art (in this case, Art equals Music, and nothing else at all, right? Wrong! Read on).



“A Friendly E-mail to My Successor,” by Alex Colvin

Feb 1st, 2017 | By

No matter how bad an event is, always immediately declare it a total and unparalleled success. This is surprisingly easy to get away with, as a) none of the frosh students were there last year to know how much better all the events were managed and b) frosh week events are so inherently forgettable that upper-year students will struggle to contest your claims anyway. Enjoy your success!



“Are You Familiar with the Hemingway Editor?” by Yasmina Din Madden

Jan 25th, 2017 | By

SCRIBES OF THE WORLD CONTEST
ROUND ONE COMMENTS “Lunch of Champions” by User4901

Piscespoet1969
5.8.16 2:49pm
I found a few places where there were lots of unnecessary words. I think a lot of words need to be cut, only leaving the words that move your story along. You have the makings of a good story, just revise so there are fewer words. Hope I’ve helped!



“Understanding the Solar Power vs. Wind Power vs. Magic Power Debate,” by Luke Roloff

Jan 18th, 2017 | By

Since the dawn of man, we’ve passionately debated which alternative energy source is best. On and on it goes, boring as hell. Always leading back to one place. Sitting Indian style in a semi-circle asking ourselves, once we’ve blown through all the oil, what’s the best way to make more oil?



“Dear Contributor, We Apologize for the Two-Thousand-Year Late Reply, but We Are Unable to Accept Your Article at This Time,” by Daniel Galef

Jan 4th, 2017 | By

Dear Sir or Madam or most likely a disintegrating heap of bleached bones,

The editorial board of the Libri Paginarum Minimarum Herculanei thank you for the opportunity to review your submission, but regret to inform you that we cannot include your piece, “Ten Reasons Emperor Titus Will Be Nothing Like His Father (Titus Will Definitely Crucify Me for Number Eight),” in Volume XVIII of our publication, which, incidentally, no longer exists and has not existed for some twenty centuries.



“Terms of Use For This Story,” by Steven Berger

Dec 28th, 2016 | By

THE LEGAL AGREEMENTS SET OUT BELOW GOVERN YOUR USE OF THIS STORY. PLEASE READ THEM CAREFULLY.



“New Apps for Agoraphobes and Homebodies,” By Glenn Orgias

Dec 7th, 2016 | By

For the Ethically Minded Agoraphobe: an app which shows you the species of monkey that your current anxiety medication was tested on, and what happened to each of those monkeys and how they are doing now, and when they are going to be allowed to go back to the forest—with before and after pictures.



“Dear Neighbor: A Dialogue on the Kantian Ethics of Your Loud Motorcycle,” by Ryan Whalen

Nov 30th, 2016 | By

Your motorcycle is a badge of freedom. Those leather and chrome accoutrements accentuate just how free you are. Free to reject the mainstream and ride your own path. Admittedly, it is a path crowded somewhat by all the other aging leather-clad weekend warriors refusing to conform, but it is your path nonetheless.



“Times You Embarrassed Your Monkey,” by Lee Blevins

Nov 23rd, 2016 | By

The time you dressed your monkey in that lil’ devil costume in the middle of July even though his tail required more room than the interior of that lil’ foam pitchfork provided.

The time you agreed to a second playdate for your monkey and your best friend’s monkey even after your best friend’s monkey refused to return the favor when your monkey picked all the fleas and ticks off his spoiled little back.