Fake Nonfiction

“Pamphlet for New Humans,” by Mercedes Lucero

Apr 18th, 2018 | By

So you’re a new human in the world. Welcome! This pamphlet contains some important information you should know.



“Upper Middle Classhole,” by Alec Carvlin

Mar 28th, 2018 | By

“Mommy, Daddy, are we middle class?” My eyes sparkled with hope.

“Yes, dear,” they answered. “We are.” And then we went out for ice cream to celebrate the fact that we could afford it.



“The 5 Most Common Obstacles You’ll Encounter When Transporting Nitroglycerin Across the South American Rainforest (and How to Handle Them): A Field Guide,” by Tyler Austin and Patrick Eme

Mar 14th, 2018 | By

1. Exploding Cargo: This ought to be your biggest concern, as the slightest vibration could lead to you being devoured in a hellish inferno. This is both frequently fatal and deeply inconvenient.



“Zee Cabbage Rules,” by Jon Sindell

Feb 28th, 2018 | By

When your name is Dave Von Hoffenschnitzenberger, you always get asked, “Why don’t you just shorten your name?”

“Shorten it?” I’ll chuckle. “We lengthened it, man. From Hoffman.”



“Don’t Think Twice, It’s Alright,” by Carla Sarett

Feb 21st, 2018 | By

We at Architects for You! want to thank you for your continued faith in our firm, despite recent events which, we want to stress, were completely unanticipated. Your new house, and your satisfaction with it, are of paramount importance to us. We at AFY! value each and every customer! You’re the reason we get up every day!



“My Boyfriend Is Gaining Weight And I Feel Shallow Because He’s Too Fat To Rescue Me From This Tower,” by Ben Hargrave

Feb 14th, 2018 | By

My boyfriend Ken and I have been in a beautiful relationship for thirteen years. What started out as a childhood friendship turned into a wonderful, harmonious union of mind, body, and soul. But now the body part is beginning to sag. Ken’s body, to be specific. He is gaining weight and I feel shallow because he’s too fat to rescue me from this tower.



“Nihilist BuzzFeed Quizzes,” by Zoe Baillargeon

Feb 7th, 2018 | By

Pick your fave food item from Chipotle and we’ll guess the exact time and date when you realized life has no purpose.



“This letter is really signed by the CEO of your credit card company,” by Luke Roloff

Jan 31st, 2018 | By

Dear Person,

I hope this letter finds you confused and reliant on people with money.

I’m writing, me, the CEO, to let you know about how our big company did something bad.



“Piano Hoarding Christians,” by Kristy Gherlone

Jan 24th, 2018 | By

The people across the street will not teach me piano. They told me ‘no’, even after I had put on a clean shirt, combed my hair, and walked all the way over there. I thought it would be like asking for a cup of sugar, like neighbors sometimes do. “Will you teach me piano?” I asked nicely.



“I Have No Money for Avocado Toast because I Can’t Stop Buying Houses,” by Daniel Galef

Dec 13th, 2017 | By

There is a hum and my phone skitters an inch or so across the table, bumping into a pastel yellow beachhouse perched on wooden stilts above a vista of scenic rolling dunes.

It’s Marc, asking if I’m down for brunch tomorrow with his cousin who’s in town for a music festival.

With a sigh, I text back to say I can’t afford to keep going to brunch in the middle of the week, by means of the waffle, dollar sign, and sad face emojis