Fake Nonfiction

“Are you free this Saturday? You’re an attractive single, and I’m a weekly college book club,” by Daniel Galef

Feb 13th, 2019 | By

I’m sure you’ve noticed me around the halls. I know you’re curious. I am, too. You’re funny, and charming, and you’re smart (which is how I know we’ll really click). You have a lot of fantastic qualities you could bring, if you were interested, to someone like me: Fiction Fanatix, the MSU bimonthly student book club.



“The Lincoln-Douglas Twitter War,” by Jon Sindell

Feb 6th, 2019 | By

The concluding tweets of the seventh and final day of the Lincoln-Douglas Twitter War …



“L’Atelier Adventure,” by David Schneider

Jan 30th, 2019 | By

Several years ago my wife’s employer–a multi-millionaire businessman–gifted us with an evening at Atelier, an exclusive bistro catering to the trendy and peculiar tastes of the upper crust in the nation’s capital. Atelier specializes in pairing marvelous wines with superb, cryogenic cuisine prepared by a bevy of highly skilled, hypermodern New Age chefs. Cryogenic cooking, to the uninitiated, means rendered sanitary by immersing in liquid nitrogen (compressed sea fog we later decided). The waiting time for a reservation is measured in months and a well-heeled sponsor is needed since you must produce notarized evidence of substantial net worth to obtain one.



“You Are Cordially Invited to the Open Marriage Ceremony of Darren and Linda Johnson,” by Lydia Oxenham

Jan 16th, 2019 | By

We are gathered here today to open the marriage of Darren and Linda Johnson. Darren and Linda, you’ve been married for 10 years and have three children, but you’re just not feeling the spark. Maybe you never were. And your sex life has been almost nonexistent for the past few years. Just look at Darren… This is not a man who has had sex in a very long time.



“Tucker’s Honky-Taco Will Gladly Donate To Hurricane Relief As Long As You Buy Something From Us” by Ben Hargrave

Jan 9th, 2019 | By

Tucker’s Honky-Taco is a worldwide fast food institution known not just for pioneering the assembly line guacamole production process, but also for being dedicated to social corporate responsibility by committing acts of benevolence when disaster strikes. That’s why when Hurricane Todd ravaged the southeastern seaboard from Piney Bluff, Georgia to Sawgrass, Florida a week ago, killing thousands, displacing millions, and causing billions of dollars in damage, Tucker’s Honky-Taco knew it was our civic duty to donate money to hurricane relief as long as you buy something from us.



“The Skinny on Putting on Skinny Jeans – A 12 Step Program,” By Dan MacIsaac

Jan 2nd, 2019 | By

1. Starve. Be a sizzling super model on a hunger strike. Not a crumb on your tongue. Not a sip past your lips.



“Warning Label,” by Nan Wigington

Dec 19th, 2018 | By

Remove child before folding.



“Failed Ideas Leading To And Resulting From Mount Rushmore,” by Jason Giltner

Dec 12th, 2018 | By

The faces of four United States presidents were carved into the granite face of Mount Rushmore over a 15 year period from1927 to 1941 by Gutzon Borglum and his son Lincoln Borglum. Today, Mount Rushmore is a prominent tourist destination and a staple of American culture.



“Alternative Schools for Your Kid That You CAN Afford,” by Lisa Beyer

Dec 5th, 2018 | By

Waldorf Salad School. From tots to teens, they’ll be chopping apples in no time! And did we mention mayonnaise? That squirty lemon thing? Big glass bowl? That’s about it. All day, every day. For a whole fucking year. Until Her Highness gets so tired of salad that she straightens up and goes back to the perfectly good school you moved to the suburbs for in the first place.



“The Hidden Dangers of Leaning,” by Benny Neylon

Nov 21st, 2018 | By

Sitting will kill you. That’s a scientific fact: a new paper in the Lancet shows that every minute spent sitting on the toilet takes as many as seven minutes off your lifespan. Consider that as you hunker down there, peering at your smartphone!