Defenestration

“Suggestions,” by Mazi Kazemi

To the makers of the SAT:

My name is Steve Garret. Yes, THAT Steve Garret. Undoubtedly, you are already familiar with my most popular works, such as: The Selected Works of Samuel Taylor Coleridge Steve Garret (1798-1830), The Bible (Book of Love) [Not commercially available], and Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band (Audiobook). You might be wondering, “Why has Steve Garret taken precious moments out of his busy life to contact US?”

“Paul Simon Songbook – Translated for an Urgent and Unromantic Age” by Doug Bond

A Bunch of Tricks for Dumping Bitches

Simon says: In your face Neal Sedaka. Breaking up, is really not at all that hard to do. In fact Paul’s got fifty ways to do the deed. The balance of the tutorial is anchored by session drummer, Steve Gadd’s, way-cool stick work on this post-divorce, revenge tinged fantasy which topped the charts throughout the spring of 1976. It remains, likely forever, Simon’s biggest solo hit.

“Your Little Jessica is Clearly in the 58th Percentile,” by Amy Vansant

It’s so cute, the way your little Jessica jumps for the bow in my Chloe’s hair. Jessica has good taste, I can tell you that! Jessica is… what? Three? Oh, she’s four? So is my Chloe! They must be in the same class at Key School! No? Not in school? Oh. Well, Jessica’s only four. I understand. Chloe’s been in school since birth, but she’s 98th percentile in “attention adaptability” so we feel it would be irresponsible NOT to keep her away at school most of the time. They charge us four times as much, but it’s worth every penny.

“TRASH,” by Patrick Dunn

Dear New Student,

Please allow me to once again congratulate and welcome you to the Television Reality-Acting School of Hollywood. The applicant pool for the Fall 2012 semester was our largest yet. You, along with your future cohort, represent the most competitive applicants of a highly qualified and ambitious group. We at TRASH look forward to fostering the development and exploitation of your incredibly marketable skills and assets.

“Semi-Hostile Thank You Notes for Every Occasion,” by Karen Gilmore

Thank You in Response to Condolences Offered

Dear Purveyor of Condolences,

Thank you for your gesture of condolence. I’m sure your heart was in the right place and if you think you did enough, I guess that’s all that matters.

Thanks again,

Mourner

“Winning with Snotte ™,” by Mike Fowler

In the award-winning tradition of million-selling author Frank T. Snotte’s self-help guides, Winning with Snotte ™, Dr. Snotte and his team of in-demand motivational authors are proud to add five new titles to the Snotte catalogue, beginning with “Hum and Shrug for Success.” Our interviews with 150 fascinating people who have become successful and important [...]

“Tips of Advice for Walking Dilettantes from a Walking Professional (Informational Pamphlet),” by Hannah Rodabaugh

I’m sure you all think that you know what it means to be a walker. After all, you tell me, “Emanuel, after all, I tell you, walking is just putting two feet and two legs in front of the other again and again until a walking motion is developed!” And this is true enough, I suppose—of walking at its most basic level. However, a True Walker (capital T, capital W) knows the difference between the “dabblers of walk” and the more serious Walking Professionals.

“Doctoring for Dummies – The Intro to the Book,” by Janice Arenofsky

The practice of medicine is not as complicated as many people make it out to be. It’s not brain surgery. At least not usually. Have you ever watched Mystery Diagnosis? Dissected a fruit fly? Made your spouse wait for you while you reprogrammed your cell phone? See, I told you so. You know more about performing a quadruple bypass than many ophthalmologists, and they went to medical school.

“The Approval of Congress,” by Bobby D. Foster

MS. BLACK. Good morning everyone. I hereby call the Subcommittee on Government Organization, Efficiency, and Financial Management to order. I see that all the members are present and accounted for, so let’s begin.

I recognize myself for an opening statement.

We have been assembled today to review an unprecedented, highly worrisome, and seemingly impossible development. According to a study published by the Gallup Poll last week, Congress’ already abysmally low approval rating has dropped into the negatives for the first time in history.

“Recalls and Complaints regarding Grandpaternal Incorporated’s 2005 line of Grandparents.” by Nick Hilbourn

To Mr. Timmy Smothers,

Since 2000 Grandpaternal Incorporated (G.I.) has dedicated itself to ensuring that you receive the highest quality Grandparents. We consider our Grandparents the best money can buy in performance and longevity.

Having said this, it pained us to hear of your complaint that your 2005 Grandfather unit, make: 72-year-old male and model: Caucasian retired Toll Booth Operator, were not lucid and using curse words with guests. It is also upsetting to hear your Grandfather was urinating in the flower bushes, walking around the house nude and attempting to strike members of your family with a broken table leg. This is uncalled for and we sincerely apologize for this inconvenience. A G.I. crew will be sent to your home as soon as possible to remove your faulty grandparents and replace them with new ones.

Sincerely,

Arnold Johnson

Grandpaternal Incorporated Marketing Director