All entries by this author

“A Crash Course in Fitness with Dr. Crash Carter,” by Elliott Baas

Jun 28th, 2017 | By

Everyone dreams of having a movie star body, but looking like Brad Pitt or Kevin James takes hard work and dedication. I can get you there. My name is Dr. Crash Carter and this is my Crash Course in fitness. I am a certified personal trainer, I have 4% body fat, and I haven’t even smelled a cheeseburger in thirteen years. In my Crash Course you will learn how to live a healthy lifestyle, have the body you’ve always wanted, and finally defeat Shao Khan in Mortal Kombat II. Be warned, complete transformations do not occur overnight. It may take two, even three days before you reach your goals, so be ready for the long haul.



Hot, Flammable Women

Jun 23rd, 2017 | By

I looks like some of the courage that Little Winslow injected Winslow with actually lingered in his system a bit longer than everyone thought. Or else Winslow took a smaller dose this time. Whatever the reason, his newfound courage has apparently replaced other important qualities, like common sense and self-preservation. Let’s all just hope there’s a good burn clinic nearby.



“It’s All Greek to Me!” by Jennifer Schaupp

Jun 21st, 2017 | By

How people romantically pair up eludes me. I’d have a better chance of learning Greek from a teacher who only spoke Greek before understanding the rules and non-rules of the dating scene. I once told a gentleman pursuing me that I was in between phones. I don’t know exactly what that means, but it sounded plausible, especially in the early otts when people were exploring the possibilities of cell phones. I just didn’t know how to let him down honestly, even though I believe in the definition of honesty and how it can positively impact your life.



Milk In It

Jun 16th, 2017 | By

I know I’ve been goofing around with Winslow’s head a lot this year, but I can’t help it. It’s too much fun.



“Wake up, Sheep—Paul Giamatti Is Not Dead!” by Daniel Galef

Jun 14th, 2017 | By

I know I’m going to catch a lot of flak for this, but I don’t care, because PEOPLE DESERVE TO KNOW THE TRUTH, and I’m not going to CENSOR MYSELF just because there are some things that THEY don’t want us thinking!



Hyrule’s Warriors

Jun 9th, 2017 | By

If you’ve played Breath of the Wild, you know that unlike other Legend of Zelda games, where you find weapons and armor and keep it forever, Breath of the Wild’s equipment eventually wears down and breaks. So don’t get too attached to that woodcutter’s axe, Winslow; it’ll get destroyed eventually!



“The Cosmology of Your PANDORA Charm Bracelet,” by Heidi Espenscheid Nibbelink

Jun 7th, 2017 | By

Wife Charm 70.00 USD: What if all the years and effort you’ve put into this role could be encapsulated into one small heart-shaped silver charm with the word Love embossed in gold lettering? What if finally after fifteen years of marriage Dennis bought you a present for once, instead of telling you to pick out something nice for yourself?



They Live!

Jun 2nd, 2017 | By

I don’t know if I’m dating myself with this particular comic–I know I’ve got a lot of readers out there that are 10+ years younger than I am. But this particular comic is based on a John Carpenter movie from 1988 called They Live! starring Roddy Piper, Keith David, and Meg Foster.



“My Opinion, Which I’m Entitled To,” by Jay Morris

May 31st, 2017 | By

I think we humans have been doing a pretty rotten job taking care of the Earth lately, and that we should therefore consider turning over our dominion of the planet to another species. I suggest possums. They are smart and have little hands—maybe they’ll be able to use some of the tools we leave behind. Except jigsaws. I don’t like the idea of possums with jigsaws.



That One Saying About Lemons

May 26th, 2017 | By

Personally, I find this alternative a lot more positive than lemonade.