All entries by this author

Skull Fortress

Dec 7th, 2018 | By

You know what’s cool? Hats. You know what else is cool? Trebuchets. And people aren’t wearing enough trebuchets.



“Alternative Schools for Your Kid That You CAN Afford,” by Lisa Beyer

Dec 5th, 2018 | By

Waldorf Salad School. From tots to teens, they’ll be chopping apples in no time! And did we mention mayonnaise? That squirty lemon thing? Big glass bowl? That’s about it. All day, every day. For a whole fucking year. Until Her Highness gets so tired of salad that she straightens up and goes back to the perfectly good school you moved to the suburbs for in the first place.



The World of Cars

Nov 30th, 2018 | By

I didn’t draw this, but I don’t think you’ll care.



“The Lamb of God,” by Ali Kashkouli

Nov 28th, 2018 | By

Every child grows up and slowly acquires the knowledge of social norms within the particular society in which they are being raised. The immigrant child, however, faces the specific problem of trying to merge two conceptions of normalcy: that of their parents, and that of their peers. With these dichotomous views one can’t help but feel a little different. Much of this otherness stems from a variance in religion and the cultural rituals that sprout from it. And when it came to “otherness,” even at an early age I was well on my way to cornering the market. My personal exposure to basic Christian beliefs was so limited during my childhood that there was a time when I just thought “Christ” was a surname. I imagined the village mixers in Nazareth during his infancy…



Peg Pals

Nov 23rd, 2018 | By

I hope all of you enjoyed your Thanksgiving. And for those of you who think of Thanksgiving as something to survive rather than enjoy, I hope you all came out mostly unscathed. And for those of you who don’t celebrate Thanksgiving at all, forget I said anything. You don’t get to partake in my well-wishing today.



“The Hidden Dangers of Leaning,” by Benny Neylon

Nov 21st, 2018 | By

Sitting will kill you. That’s a scientific fact: a new paper in the Lancet shows that every minute spent sitting on the toilet takes as many as seven minutes off your lifespan. Consider that as you hunker down there, peering at your smartphone!



The Look and Smell and Taste of Manliness

Nov 16th, 2018 | By

I’m not going to claim that masculinity is a formula, but it’s totally a formula. Do all of these things, and your masculinity will be increased by at least 60%, with an upper gain of 80%.



“The future of urban transportation is in the past,” by Gabe Capone

Nov 14th, 2018 | By

Dear Chase Bank,

Bike sharing is rolling through every major city in America as the go-to mode of transportation for commuters and cruisers alike. I’m sure as a large bank it boils your blood to see your competitors being hailed as the savior from subways and buses.



Many of My Friends Are Peanut Butter Cups

Nov 9th, 2018 | By

I’m not going to claim that I’m the first person to ever make this joke.



“Confessions of a Spelling Bee Burnout,” by Brent Hearn

Nov 7th, 2018 | By

Tonight, on the eve of my third national spelling bee, I can’t help but wonder what it’s all been for.

I’m 11 years old and I’m over the hill. This year, a five-year-old girl qualified for the national bee. Five. Years. Old. You’ve got to wonder what losing to a toddler does to a promising young mental athlete.