Good evening, everyone. My name is Mort Stephenson. I’m the Workshop Coordinator and Director of Interpersonal Relations from Human Resources, and this is my assistant, Jennifer Longley. We’re here with you tonight for a truly historic occasion: Pizza Hut’s very first sensitivity training session for Intergalactic Customer Relations!

I want to emphasize how proud we all are to be part of a forward-thinking organization like Pizza Hut. We are really in there on the ground floor, pioneers ushering in the new age. We don’t know, we really can’t know, what that’s going to look like, but Pizza Hut is going to be ready.

On January 1 2003, I made my first and only New Year’s resolution. I resolved that this would be the year that I lost my virginity. It wasn’t an American Pie-esque pact with friends. I didn’t tell anyone or write it down. It was just a solemn vow I whispered to myself. I was seventeen years old and my interactions with girls had been pretty limited. This was largely due to the lifestyle my high school friends and I had fallen into, which was not entirely conducive to sexual conquests. It was more conducive to the life of a eunuch.

Here at Poop Industries, we care deeply about your poopsperience© In our rally against constipation, we always give a shit. We are moved by your bowels. Please help us improve your poopsperience© by answering a few simply, easy to digest questions below.

In 140 characters or less, what does “regular” mean to you?

So I guess if this year’s sci-fi action tickler Looper has taught us anything, it’s that no actor is as well-equipped to go back in time and talk to some dummies about life as Bruce Willis.

Dear Mr. Angelis,

First of all, we on the Newbery Committee would like to congratulate you on the success of your recent novel, “Zeus in Sneakers.” Many of us were deeply moved by your poignant portrait of life as a Greek-American teen in the late ’60s, with one member going so far as to call it “the most real and authentic portrayal of the post-immigrant experience in America that I’ve ever read.” Obviously, we believe your book to be of real merit to America’s children, and would love to give you our endorsement by presenting you with this year’s Newbery Medal. There’s just one problem with your book, Mr. Angelis, one oversight we’re hoping we can convince you to correct: it features absolutely no dead dogs that teach kids that they, too, will one day die.