Today’s televised political debates are a difficult medium for the candidates, since each must craft a memorable sound bite of his or her position in thirty seconds for an audience that would rather be watching Dancing with the Stars or Chopped. But were things better on town squares and fairgrounds in Illinois in 1858 when the candidates spoke uninterrupted for two hours on a rickety wooden platform in each of seven open-air encounters? Here’s the truth about those highly touted Lincoln-Douglas debates.

Dear Uncle Jay:

I have recently been contemplating abandoning my job as an itinerant poultry inspector–I’m really tired of all the politics and drama–in order to pursue a full-time career as a gangster. My friend Irwin says that I will never get anywhere in that field without a catchy and colorful nickname, but I’m at a loss as to how to choose one. Can you help?

–B.W., Racine, Wisconsin

Dear God,

First of all, thank You for sharing Your work with us. I think it has a lot of potential; there’s some interesting imagery, and it flows well. There are a few things, though, that I think are working against it right now.

Like, when we start off, it’s 13.7 billion years ago, and stuff is all hot and dense, so it starts expanding, and the rapid expansion cools everything off, resulting in a continuously expanding state. (Or everything is created from nothing six thousand years ago? There seems to be a discrepancy here.) Your descriptions are really good, but I’m left wondering why any of this is happening in the first place. What’s it all for? You need to ask Yourself, “Why today?”

Woke up 7:33 a.m. Urinated, got the coffee maker going.

Hold it. Let me clarify—the urine didn’t get the coffee maker going. I switched the coffee maker on with my hands. After getting out of bed and before turning on the coffee maker, I urinated—in the toilet.

I stood and watched it make coffee. The coffee maker, not the toilet. That would be something, though, wouldn’t it?

The new looks for fall have arrived! This year, the economy being what it is, they’re actually the looks for summer, but with sweaters. Sweaters are very in right now! Try pairing one with the same office-casual shoes you’ve been wearing to work for the last three years, if you still have a job. Speaking of shoes, the ‘re-soled look’ is also very hot this season. There’s nothing like a glimpse of freshly-glued rubber peeping flirtatiously from the bottoms of your worn-out footwear to showcase your sense of style and practicality!