There once was a time when people enjoyed getting their news printed on paper and a day late. But now it’s all about the online news cycle that delivers information to us in “real time,” because time is now real. How can a journalist looking to break the next big story stay competitive? Simple: the secret is to make the news happen yourself. Read through these sample interviews to see how it’s done!

Hello, my name is Nick Hilbourn, a professional English major.

If you’re like me, then you see women every day. Sometimes, twice a day. If you’re a woman, then you should probably double that number.

Yet, I am still shocked by the amount of misinformation about women’s bodies. I ignored this ignorance with a god-like patience until the last election, when the comments of some friends regarding the female body really threw me for a loop.

In the multiverse, Earth can be a wonderful place to live, and for most people is a definitive place to die. Still, despite these near certainties, there are many misunderstood points about life on our planet, and although technology has helped us better explore the mysteries of the universe, it has not provided all the answers, like why we feel lonelier the more we use it.

For example, the planet is set on vibrate and earthquakes are text messages from God. Unfortunately, no one has yet figured out how to read them on plate tectonics or when God will send another message (if He’s angry or trying to rekindle what has been, since its inception, an on-again/off-again relationship). There is less confusion over whether or not rainfall represents God’s tears. It doesn’t.

Dear Mr. Killyouwithfire,

Thank you for submitting your work to Laughing Fire Magazine. Many of the works we publish come from absolute nobodies such as yourself, who have never written anything worthwhile or had even considered writing something that others may actually want to read. Normally, due to the volume of the work we receive, and because we don’t have to, we do not send personal rejection letters to our submitters. However, on this occasion, we feel that an explanation is necessary as (we really hope) it may prevent future rejections and hard feelings.

I can no longer bear this sudden absurdity I’ve found myself in. You first approached me in class after one of my short stories had been workshopped. You told me you liked it. Now I can hear you in the bathroom exfoliating your face or darkening my towels, whatever it may be. That doesn’t even make sense. I wrote an imaginary story on paper, a silly and blatant lie, and now I have to engage in dirty, dirty coitus with you. What happened between those two points? What is this syllogism?