“Rage Yoga: A Beginner’s Guide,” by Katie Burgess

Aug 14th, 2013 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

For many, yoga is a way to relax and invigorate the mind, body and spirit. But have you ever felt that ordinary yoga isn’t enough? Do you find yourself still tense? Still stressed? Still radiating with a hateful, murderous energy that frightens your friends and loved ones? What you need is Rage Yoga. After studying the art of yoga via DVD for many months, I have come up with my own simple, three-minute program, designed to help you dig deep inside yourself and compress your emotions into a tiny ball of pure poison.

First, sit up straight on your yoga mat. Close your eyes and try to clear your mind of negative thoughts. Forget anything that’s been bothering you, like your lack of health insurance or your $96,949 in student loan debt. Forget that time you were eating a cupcake at work and your cubicle mate said, “Wow, I wish I could stop caring like that. Good for you!” Let it go. Let go of everything.

There. Have you done it? Of course not. That’s because it’s impossible. In fact, by now you should have thought of several more things that bother you, like the way that cashier smirked when your credit card was declined, which was only because their stupid machine was broken. Or the error message your computer keeps giving you: “Not enough disk space to delete.” What does that even mean? And those kids from the high school across the street, who keep sneaking into your backyard to smoke when they’re supposed to be in class, which you wouldn’t even care about, because you’re hip to the kids, or at least you thought you were until one of them called you “ma’am,” at which point you could have slapped their little teen faces, just slapped all the youth and promise and hopefulness right out of them. Use these thoughts;  they will energize your body.

Next we’ll move on to our Vinyasa, or “unnecessarily complicated breathing.” With your arms outstretched, swan dive down and touch your toes. If you cannot touch your toes, don’t worry; yoga is not a competition. Of course, winners can touch their toes. I’m just saying. Concentrate on combining the breath with the movement. Inhale as you stand, breathing in deeply through the nose and pushing your abdomen out. As you exhale, begin screaming obscenities—the more graphic and disturbing, the better. Your screams should be full and rhythmic.

Now stand in Warrior II. Make a fist with your right hand, then turn and punch the nearest wall. Repeat this movement with your left hand. Do eight more sets of punches, picking up the tempo this time. For added cardio, break some things. Explore the space around you, as if you were some sort of giant monster destroying a city, repaying humanity for its hubris and shortsightedness. After you bandage your bleeding knuckles, kneel down and slowly lean forward into child’s pose. Allow yourself to weep uncontrollably.

Congratulations! You have completed your first Rage Yoga session. Remember that hydration is important after any workout, so take time to refresh your body with a glass of natural spring water and a double shot of bourbon. And if you enjoyed Rage Yoga, please join me next time for Despair Pilates.


Defenestration-Katie Burgess2Katie Burgess holds a PhD in English, only dropping it occasionally.

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