“Tchotchke Forecast 2014/15,” by Jason Abdelhadi

Jul 24th, 2013 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

We are happy to report that Fitted City made record-breaking sales this year. In particular, we are seeing a massive response to our themed accessories, t-shirts, and especially what we’ve designated as “non-essential, mid-value sub-cultural capital”. Our MVPs this year are the steadfast ironic mustache, the labbit, and the YOLO curio. However, our continued success depends on trend forecasting. Our research team, after much procrastinating and some afternoons dedicated to “just figuring things out in their lives, y’know?”, have come up with the following thematic clusters that ID the latest hipster cachets for 2014/2015.

Medical Alert Bracelets, Inhalers, EpiPens

Ask Tyler the Creator – compromised immune systems haven’t been this trendy since Rent. Allergenic is in. We are looking to do well with a line of ersatz-allergy bracelets engraved with ironic “allergic to” statements such as: “mom and dad”, “macklemore”, “patriarchy”etc.

Peanut, dog, hay-fever. Whatever it is, scrawl it on the thing and add sparkles.

The 17th Century Hunt – Horses, Hounds, Remarks

We are seeing a big push among art-history college students  for the Age of Louis Quinze. Forecasters detect a sub-market developing in online circles for “la chasse”, including a heavy emphasis on the hunting hound portraits of artist Jean-Baptiste Oudry. Focus groups are showing a general preference for dog designs emblazoned with rococo names such as Misse or Lutine.

Other potentials include mini hunting horns for purses, Hello Kitty riding crops and Dutch painted dead game/falconry t-shirts. In many instances this will build upon the the established “ironic wolf t-shirt” staple.


Not to be confused with its cousin yellow, “yaller” is a dirty southern shade identified by Pantone to be in the working palette of some of the most popular southern hip-hop artists including Ludacris, 2Chainz and the Shakespearean Riff-Raff. “Yaller” is alternately referred to as “bottom feeder green”, “tooth-decay” and “stanky jaune”. It should be pervasive in all fashion elements from bow-ties to ballet-flats.

The Futura Font

The favoured font of youth icons such as Wes Anderson, American Beauty, IKEA, V for Vendetta, and the works of Kubrick, this 1936 sans-serif was created by Paul Renner, something of a proto-hipster martyr himself. The German born designer was staunchly anti-Nazi and was arrested in 1933 for his subversive geometric font-work. Let’s just read that again: “arrested for his subversive geometric font-work”.

The Gumby Renaissance

We’ve had middling successes with Ninja Turtles, Tin Tin, Street Fighter, Sonic, and other precision jabs at the nostalgia bone. However, a worldwide environmental Tumblr-scan reveals an increased activity for the original uncanny green ectomorph. We are pushing this as far to the edge as possible: Gumby as creepy mascot, ironic “friendly” – the next Burger King.

Classic McDonalds Happy Meal Toys – 1977 to Present

Also a great potential for the 2015 “dumb as a lawnmower” hipster girl market.

May ’68 French Student Protest Graffiti

New York Graffiti has been consistently overplayed for so long that it is finally dying out as a legitimate design element. What will fill the power-vacuum of this omnipresent face of public vandalism? The May ’68 movement has been identified as sympatico with the occupy taste of Godard screenshotting millennials. We propose a series of original homeware spray-paint prints for wall hangings, bathmats:

“A bas la république des lâches”

“Abolition de la société de classes.”

“Godard le plus con des Suisses pro-chinois!”

We expect these to follow past Guevara/Chairman Mao market trends pretty consistently.


Something about the common garden weed has been appealing to alt circles for sometime. The Occupy Generation has been at odds with 1% of floral life dominating back-yard gardens, and an increased social media presence on popular Tumblrs like “Fuck Yeah Dandelions” have brought new attention to the “senecio vulgaris”. Couple this with the support of the local-fresh-organic movement, and the reversal should prove to be revolutionary: the domain of classic flower prints is going to be “supplanted” by dandelions, crabgrass, poison ivy etc. This design element complements the “havyfever chic” trend outlined above.

Thomas Edison

Vinyl records and players have been a mainstay with our stores for quite some time now. We are looking to expand into some of Edison’s other classic patents, including the Dynographone, the Battery Mouldilizer and the Ferguson Shot-Put Vitalizer.


Defenestration-Jason Abdelhadi 2Jason is a trained librarian and information management professional working in Ottawa, Ontario. He believes that “10% off” is not a real sale as it doesn’t even cover the tax. His enthusiasms include Brecht, following rappers on instagram, and compiling lists of extraordinary puppy names (such as “Astro”, “Pastrami” and “Goose”).

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