Instructions: Please choose Yes or No in response to the following statements about yourself. If you are not sure how to answer, grab a coloring book instead. When you are done answering, press the “Score Me” button and your responses will be emailed to your mother, ex-spouse, and 7th-grade teacher so that all of their suspicions can be confirmed.

I am in search of someone who would be willing to shake my hand. As an unemployed potential employee, I read in an article that a firm handshake is “the key to success.” Now, here are some things you need to know before you respond/apply: I have nice hands that I keep very clean by

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To Your Parents When you are ready to run away from home, grab a piece of paper from your father’s briefcase and some lipstick from your mother’s purse. If you knocked them out correctly, you should have no problem doing this. Take the lipstick and write on the piece of paper. Write a suicide note

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“what are collard greens and why called new kale?”

“ways to cook collard greens”

“easy ways to cook collard greens”

To the wonderful (if not environmentally conscious) residents of Springfield,

You are receiving this email, or letter for those of you who have selfishly failed to switch to e-notices, because the recycling policy regarding what we DO and DO NOT accept has been modified. This policy change is in effect as of the moment you are reading this notice.