“ISO: Practice Handshaker,” by Kayla Pongrac

Aug 13th, 2014 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

I am in search of someone who would be willing to shake my hand. As an unemployed potential employee, I read in an article that a firm handshake is “the key to success.”

Now, here are some things you need to know before you respond/apply:

I have nice hands that I keep very clean by washing them multiple times a day with hand soap complete with aloe vera. When I wash my hands, I don’t sing “Happy Birthday” like people are told to do. Instead, I sing a beautiful rendition of “Somewhere Over the Rainbow.” So, extra clean and super soft. That’s how I would describe my hands. And my voice? Angelic.

Anyway, if you elect to help me strengthen my handshake, I would like us to meet for two hours at least three times a week, preferably on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. Ideally, I would like to meet five times a week, but I know that my hand may need a rest (yours, too!), so every other day should be just fine.

Those who choose to apply for this job should send me a resume and a cover letter that outlines your goals for me, as well as your handshaker qualifications. Please be sure to list a guesstimate of how many hands you have shaken in your lifetime, and if you are currently employed because if you are not employed, you must not have a good handshake. Also, if you do something special with your thumb during a handshake or if you do something charming with your free hand, feel free to brag about your credentials in these regards.

Upon reviewing your resume and cover letter, I will contact you if I am interested in working with you. Please be prepared to receive a phone call from me, and please be especially prepared to send me an outline of handshaking exercises that we can do together. I’d be delighted to hire someone who has clear goals and is willing to work with someone who might not have the strongest handshake in the world (if I did, I guess I would have a job now, wouldn’t I?). I think I’d be really into “roleplaying handshakes” and what I mean by this is: you pretend that you’re a possible future boss and we meet for the first time, and then meet for several follow-up interviews. You just pretend to be someone other than yourself, that’s all.

Do not apply for this job if you do not wash your hands after using the toilet or after sexual intercourse. Do not apply for this job if you wear rings on every finger. Do not apply for this job if you don’t have any hands.

Other than that, I really won’t discriminate among my list of applicants. I’ll shake a black hand, a white hand, a tan hand, a priest’s hand (even though I’m not Catholic), etc.

If you are interested in helping me achieve my personal and professional goals, please kindly respond to this ad.

Also, no left handers please.
Defenestration-Kayla PongracKayla Pongrac is an avid writer, reader, tea drinker, and vinyl record spinner. When she’s not writing creatively, she’s writing professionally—for two newspapers and a few magazines in her hometown of Johnstown, PA. To read more of Kayla’s work, visit www.kaylapongrac.com or follow her on Twitter @KP_the_Promisee.

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