“Airbnb Listings with Zero Reviews,” by Kevin Douville

Sep 24th, 2014 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

Left Side of my Bed, Mission District, San Francisco, CA.

Rental is for the left side of my queen-sized bed in the heart of romantic San Francisco. The bed is located in my 400 square foot studio over a restaurant within easy walking distance to the rich history and culture of the Bay Area. The bed is the only piece of furniture in the room, so it gets a lot of use; as sofa, recliner, dining area. But after lights out it’s all about the sleeping.

I have a moderate build, so the bed can fit me and another person of equal or lessor size. Sorry, people who are morbidly obese cannot be accommodated. However, all genders and sexual orientations are welcome, this is San Francisco after all.

Guests have full access to the rest of the apartment, including the kitchen area, bathroom, and any empty coat hooks.

I fall asleep quickly but am told I toss and turn, so heavy sleepers are preferred.

I’m a young guy who tries to have an active social life, so availability is nights I come home alone. Though honestly, that’s most nights.

I share the apartment with an 80 pound chocolate lab. She sleeps on the bed when it’s just me, but when there’s company she knows to use her doggie bed. If she does join us there are a few techniques to encourage her back to the floor. It’s not always easy, but travel is about the adventure, right?

See my other listing for the doggie bed.

Backyard Trampoline, Rye, New York.

This spring trampoline is located in our spacious backyard. It features an all-metal frame and synthetic mat. The foam safety pad covering the springs is extra thick and could be used as a pillow. The trampoline is 15-feet wide so could accommodate many guests, as long as you are all friends.

The safety net is original but in good shape, so you shouldn’t have any fears of rolling off while sleeping. We do caution no jumping when someone is trying to sleep as this could be dangerous and not create the best vacation atmosphere. There is no roof or cover so you must be a hearty traveler.

The trampoline is only available at night as my children still use it during the day for recreation.

Backyard amenities include hose with cold water, six-foot high stockade style privacy fence, and prize-winning rose garden. There is a bathroom available in the basement of the house (toilet and sink only, no shower). Please do not use the backyard to relieve yourself, if you knock long enough someone will answer the back door and let you in.

Shower Stall in My Dorm, Amherst, MA.

Come stay in the shower stall in my co-ed dorm on the campus of the University of Massachusetts. This is for the extra-large accessible stall at the end of the row. In addition to its width, it features an opaque shower curtain for privacy, grab bars for safety, and a small shelf for soap or mementos of your trip.

Available after the cleaning crew leaves for the day, around 3 PM, and before any after-party hookups, usually no earlier than 11 PM.

Preference is given to guests who have a convincing story if caught by campus security. Should bring own towel and restrict luggage to just a shower caddy.

Bench Next to My Bench, McPherson Square, Washington DC.

I sleep on the bench near the statue in the middle of the park. The bench next to me has been empty since Lou didn’t come back that night. I’ll tell you right now, it gets hot in the summer and damn cold in the winter, but it’s a sturdy bench.

While you’re sleeping I’ll watch out for you, keeping any hooligans or homeless folk away. Though it’s easier if we split up the night. I prefer the early shift.

Available any time, unless those Occupy kids come back.

Only a few blocks from the White House, the National Mall, and all that other stuff people come to Washington to see.
Defenestration-Kevin DouvilleKevin Douville lives in the Virginia suburbs of Washington D.C. where he works as an instructional designer writing curriculum and training materials for giant bureaucracies where is he is largely unknown and forgotten. His dream is to write short fiction and novels and become largely unknown and forgotten.

He shares his home with two cats and a giant Boston Terrier. He can sometimes be found at kevindouville.com.

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