Instructions: Please choose Yes or No in response to the following statements about yourself. If you are not sure how to answer, grab a coloring book instead. When you are done answering, press the “Score Me” button and your responses will be emailed to your mother, ex-spouse, and 7th-grade teacher so that all of their suspicions can be confirmed. Scroll down to the questionnaire.
1. You made it!
2. You would watch the online video, “Playtime in Kittenland.”
Yes No
3. You are unable to find the X to close a pop-up advertisement.
Yes No
4. You want to know more about the new diet/testosterone pill that doctors are hiding from you.
Yes No
5. You are surprised that so many pornographic websites have addresses so similar to those of your favorite sites.
Yes No
6. You would watch the video, “Hippo Diarrhea.”
Yes No
7. You are unable to cook, set your clock, buy apples, or talk to anyone without first looking up a How-To guide.
Yes No
8. You are tired of pictures of your friends’ pets.
Yes No
9. You are tired of pictures of your friends’ children.
Yes No
10. You are tired of pictures of your friends.
Yes No
11. You don’t have any friends.
Yes No
12. You create a spreadsheet when deciding from which website to buy pants.
Yes No
13. You are annoyed when airport Wi-Fi redirects you to a welcome screen before giving you free access to all of the world’s combined knowledge.
Yes No
14. “This Nigerian gentleman who emailed me seems trustworthy,” is a sentence you would utter.
Yes No
15. You are not aware of holidays until opening Google.
Yes No
16. You just spent the last seven hours reading Wikipedia articles and now you know that aliens built the Pyramids.
Yes No
17. You don’t remember anyone’s birthday, but you wished 479 people a “Happy birthday!” last year.
Yes No
18. You have fourteen pen pals, but none of them are the age or sex they claim.
Yes No
19. You know that a catfish is a fish and that a stream has water.
Yes No
20. You have profiles on both ChristianMingle and JDate.
Yes No
21. You are angered when you open the video, “Guns N’ Roses – Paradise City” and it’s some guy sitting on the floor in his underwear playing guitar.
Yes No
22. You watched Gone With the Wind one three-second GIF at a time.
Yes No
23. You aren’t in school, but you take at least four “tests” and three “quizzes” a day.
Yes No
24. You would watch the video, “Grandma Actually Gets Run Over By Reindeer.”
Yes No
25. You discovered comment boards and gave up on humanity.
Yes No
26. You take photographs of other people’s meals through restaurant windows and post them online as if they were your own.
Yes No
27. Your “inner monologue” is expressed 140 characters at a time.
Yes No
28. Every argument you have ever won required the use of Google.
Yes No
29. You multitask at a two-computer-monitor level.
Yes No
30. You are aware that there is a big, wonderful world out there full of adventure and natural beauty, but you choose not to think about it.
Yes No
Congratulations! You completed the Test, but there is no “Score Me” button. Like most of your time spent online, that Test was ultimately pointless. The fact that you took the time at work to fill out the questionnaire says more about you than any of your individual answers ever could. You’re welcome for the diversion.
Want to learn more about yourself? Try these tests:
The Online Relationship Test for Your Online Relationship (free to anyone using a federal prison IP address!)
How Much Time Can You Waste? Stare at This Clock to Find Out!
The Random Number IQ Generator – Inflate Your Flagging Sense of Self-Belief or Crush Your Overconfident Ego
Does This Shirt Make Me Look Like An Asshole?
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Chris Eversman lives in Alaska. He looks like the cover of a novel about a woman falling in love with a lumberjack. He runs sled dog teams, chops wood, starts campfires, shoots a bow, and does everything else your grandfather regrets not teaching you to do.