Dear Editor,

This is the first time I’ve ever written a “letter to the editor.” Though I must confess I’m not a subscriber to your newspaper, I have been known to peruse its contents at the library. I am a big fan of the in-depth coverage you provide of the Saturday night races at our local “speedway.” And ever since my social media accounts were suspended (for various unfounded reasons too trivial to mention), your “police blotter” provides a means for me to keep up with the various goings-on of my friends, coworkers, and former classmates.

Can I get everyone’s attention?

My name is Terry Clemette, and I am your Operations Sections Chief. It’s a big group, please get in close. Closer, please. We have a lot of material to cover.

ASHEVILLE, NC. A local sidewalk minimalist has renounced his soapbox in favor of just jumping really high, reports say. Nic Haines, a minimalist known for his impassioned diatribes against materialism, says he now feels freer than ever.

Two things we have in abundance

Medications and Lawsuits

Imagine a pill that gives you coverage for life, home, auto, and health. You take this pill and that’s it. You’re covered.

An early homo sapien sapiens skeleton was found in a cave in Luxembourg clutching a small rectangular device with a smooth dark screen. It was wrapped, quite literally, in the skin of an otter.

An ancient Egyptian mummified in one of the more modest pyramids was dissected by the British Museum in 1924. The mummy had a tattoo of a butterfly on her lower back.