1. How do you welcome your new Mormon neighbors? (a) I tell them Mormons are the just the nicest people, then ask them to watch my dogs while I’m in Maui for a month. (b) I formulate a rescue plan that includes college football and a seven-layer bean dip when the husband slips me a

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In a statement to the press this week, Coca Cola reflected on the recent release of their new marketing campaign—“Share a Coke, Passive Aggressively.”

Dear Abby,

What should I do when a slightly more obnoxious version of myself from a nearly identical universe finds a portal through his refrigerator into my universe, shows up totally unannounced, criticizes my taste in music and literature, and then eats all my chocolate covered pretzels?

Please accept this letter as a formal notification that I am resigning from my position as a telesales operator with FDE Energy. I understand it is normal practice for staff to work a period of notice. However, as I am still waiting for two weeks’ worth of wages from overtime I don’t think that transition period is necessary so I will not be coming into work anymore. I packed all my belongings on Saturday when I was forced to work yet again, so my return is no longer necessary.

“I’m going to be a father,” says robot Karl Weindfeller. The 6’ 2” LED-eyed, copper-plated machine makes history as the first metal man to impregnate a human woman and lay claim to her unborn child. A customer service representative at Mueller Brewery, Weindfeller is suing his one-night partner and carrier of the fetus, Alexandra Bourne, for legal recognition as the daddy.