“This letter is really signed by the CEO of your credit card company,” by Luke Roloff

Jan 31st, 2018 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

Dear Person,

I hope this letter finds you confused and reliant on people with money.

I’m writing, me, the CEO, to let you know about how our big company did something bad.

My hand is killing me. I’ve signed 863,226 of these suckers, and I’m cramping up really bad here.

If we’ve never met, I’m the CEO. I run a company with over 10,000 helpless employees. And when I say “run,” I mean float. On my yacht. We have not met.

And yet, I’m writing you a letter.

A letter.

I’m a CEO and I’ve written you a letter.

I’m a CEO.

I stuffed each envelope with my bare hands. Took me two years to stuff these things.

This is happening right now. It’s real.

In a nutshell, we sort of exploited you. We sold your info. Spied on you. Stole. We have a contract to have you assassinated. Slow down, dummy. It’s not as bad as it sounds. That’s all just legal jargon for “not so bad.”

I stroked each keystroke myself. The pads of my fingertips have withered away—this is bone-on-keyboard.

While some will find zero money and a price on their head difficult, others will find it an exciting opportunity to take out five new lines of credit before a sniper finds them!

I personally licked the adhesive lining of nearly a million paper jackets—can you for a moment imagine the condition my CEO tongue is in?

I hope you can.

I also hope you can comprehend the importance of this letter by how I signed my important CEO signature at the bottom. With ink. A strange grayish fuzzy spotty mystery ink. From a pen. My pen. A CEO pen.

Not a room full of printers down on floor 32 across from the cafeteria.

The ink does NOT come from a printing apparatus of any kind. You’re sorely mistaken if that’s what you believe.

The amount of lipstick I had to apply in order to seal each sheath with a CEO kiss has resulted in a permanent shade of bright red wax tattooed on and around my mouth.

So, to reiterate, this is from me. A CEO. Not another person who isn’t a CEO.

And in summary: Do not seek legal guidance, toss this in the garbage, continue a purchasing pattern far beyond your means and consider arranging a safe house.

Spend money.

Thank you for understanding.


Sorry, my pen ran out of ink. But it’s really me.



Luke is currently one of the people in LA. Also, he has written things on the Internet before. For money, he helps make advertisements so that you know what to buy. Pray for Luke.

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