With the spring thaw well underway, several of our scholars sallied out of SAFA’s cramped archives on an expedition to a nearby river town where caches of anthropomorphic animal figurines, interchangeable mutant heads, and sabotaged diorama components have been discovered in the surrounding hills recently. The town has become something of a cynosure among action figure antiquarians, and our savvy readers undoubtedly have already guessed its name, as Saukinee is also home base to maverick action figure finder Percy Rittle. The budding play-date theorist and midden rat has had an unmistakable impact on the field with his explosive, paradigm-toppling theories and gonzo hermeneutics. Even from the dim reaches of our dusty stacks, SAFA has felt tremors—is the field ripe for a revolution led by this newcomer? It must be said that our own modest analyses of recent excavations in the realm of sandbox stratigraphy and jungle gym anthrosols have aligned agreeably with those of the growing community of Rittle-inspired independent scholars, zombie sibling anthropologists, and alternative paleontologists. Further, there were rumors that Rittle might have triangulated a matchbox battle site or alien cyborg munitions dump. We found the implications tantalizing.  

It’s not that I don’t like the set pieces, the wardrobe, or even the screenplay. But frankly, all that to recreate Nosferatu in our bedroom is becoming a bit much.

The Great American Mall is a lesson in extinction. Discovered in Minnesotan suburbia in the 1950s, the species became endangered nearly 60 years later due to digital evolution, economic recession, and general ennui of the American people. Despite attempts to rekindle public interest in these commercial giants, the malls endured for only 15 more years before fading away entirely, their coffin nailed by the rise of other, more advanced commercial species, namely Commercium Virtualis, whose impressive gestation period and compact scale captured the hearts of the nation.

Looking ahead to conditions this week, there is a normal and natural cycle of heat waves in the South and Midwest as an undocumented surge of fronts moves across the US-Mexico border on Sunday, the holy day of the Sabbath.

On Monday, regions in the South will experience another series of northern atmospheric aggressions with cold fronts bringing thunderstorms, high winds, and oppressive government overreach. After an initial series of ineffectual left-leaning frontal bands passes through, a strong high-pressure system, conservatively estimated at 1029.3 millibars, will make the American weekend great again.

The eleven-foot pole. (Useful in touching things you wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole)