Every once in a while, Eileen and Andrew knock me on the shoulder with their billy-club of friendship and say, “You’re up!”, and I fire up the world’s worst video-editing software, Abridge some Classics, and mortify the English professors who only ever tried to make me appreciate literature. Obviously, I am not here to tell

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Missing socks are a fact of life in my house, and when I’m not blaming cats or faeries or the tiny 18th century Spaniard that lives in my foyer closet, I suspect many of the socks sneak off in the dead of night to have torrid affairs with one another. This also explains the amount of baby socks I find around the house that I can’t recall either of my children ever wearing. This is sock biology at its finest.

Leave the Dead to bury their own dead. For they have not the money to afford a resplendent funeral.

If anyone strikes you on the right cheek, turn and get your handgun. If this culminates in you inflicting a mortal wound, you will be innocent in the eyes of God and in the eyes of the law. I mean, who are they going to believe, a gentile deadbeat, or you, a fine, upstanding businessman who was acting purely in self defense?

OMGFU guyz!!! NaNoWriMo just ended!!!

For all of you LOSERS who don’t know what NaNoWriMo is, it’s this awesome project that likes to capitalize words instead of just using a simple acronym. Also, it’s KOOL BRAS!!!

So, the object of the project it so write 50,000 words of a new novel in one month. This has been going on FOREVER, like, since 1999. OMG it’s almost as old as Harry Potter!!! Or me. YEAH!!!

Not only is he thugged out, he’s thugged out 80s style! Word.