In Australia, Huntsman spiders kill in cars. One sees a spider the size of a
child’s hand rush across the dash, one exits the road at freefall. (Clever girl.)

In 1676, because
he did not doubt
the greatness of
man, Robert Plot

mistook that which
remained—the knee

The University wasn’t too impressed that I had taught the monkey to speak. No matter what I did, they always required more.

I knew that when I taught Chester to clean my office, put away my books, sweep up the cookie crumbs, and make neat piles of paper on my desk, it wasn’t going to impress the department. But I couldn’t lose with that, so I considered it my first success, regardless.

Everyone knows about the history of Ham Sandwich, left unconsumed in the department break room on the afternoon of December 12th when its then owner, Dr. Perry Birmbo, decided to go out to lunch with colleagues. As most know, the deli-sliced, pumpernickel housed entrée—whose genius had until then gone entirely unnoticed—went on to receive its Ph.D. in Comparative Literature from Yale in 1960. From its beginning as part of the incoming class of ’54, the sandwich defied all expectations by becoming the John Newsmith Fellow in ’56, the winner of the third-year teaching award in ’59, and the recipient of the Dana D. Hampsted Prize for the best dissertation by a non-eating member since Mary Veneble’s teacup had stolen the show in 1892. The rest, involving the mounting accusations of anti-Semitism that led to the “Bad Air Affair” and Sandwich’s subsequent precipitous plummet from public grace in the recent months, is popular knowledge.

He grunted and wrapped his arm around her shoulders. “Winston Smith is a pussy. They could strap a cage of rats to my face and I wouldn’t give up my woman.”

“But rats were his biggest fear. What about bamboo shoots under the nails?” she asked. “Hot poker in the eye? You’d squeal like a girl and escort Big Brother to my door.”

“Nothing would break me.”