“The Untold History of Ham Sandwich’s First Rival,” by Nelson Lloyd

Apr 20th, 2011 | By | Category: Prose

Everyone knows about the history of Ham Sandwich, left unconsumed in the department break room on the afternoon of December 12th when its then owner, Dr. Perry Birmbo, decided to go out to lunch with colleagues. As most know, the deli-sliced, sourdough-housed entrée—whose genius had until then gone entirely unnoticed—went on to receive its Ph.D. in Comparative Literature from Yale in 1960. From its beginning as part of the incoming class of ’54, the sandwich defied all expectations by becoming the John Newsmith Fellow in ’56, the winner of the third-year teaching award in ’59, and the recipient of the Dana D. Hampsted Prize for the best dissertation by a non-eating member since Mary Veneble’s teacup had stolen the show in 1892. The rest, involving the mounting accusations of anti-Semitism that led to the “Bad Air Affair” and Sandwich’s subsequent precipitous plummet from public grace in the recent months, is popular knowledge. What few have heard, however, is the story of Gregory Baulk, the very last applicant not to be accepted to the Ph.D. program in Comparative Literature at Yale in 1954. While this fact along might not make Baulk’s story worth telling—or even historically confirmable—a series of letters between he and the college, including the initial acceptance letter initiating their correspondence, now provide us with a window into a history otherwise forgotten. Unfortunately, subsequent letters have been sealed by state mandate 4.32.115b, and so we will only be able to provide Baulk’s preliminary exchange with the institution below.

 

The Correspondence

April 1, 1954

Dear Mr. Baulk,

Thank you for your submission to the Graduate Program of Comparative Literature at Yale University. We are pleased to announce that your application has been approved by the department and accepted by the college and thus we may offer you a place with us this fall, in the incoming class of 1954. We are also able to offer you a teaching fellowship beginning in your second year and for two subsequent years after that. Please let us know of your acceptance or declination of this offer by April 15.

Congratulations again on your fine application; we do hope to see you in August,

Benson Kruger, Ph.D.
Director of Graduate Studies
The Department of Comparative Literature
Yale University

***

April 6, 1954

Dear Dr. Kruger,

I am writing to accept the offer of Ph.D. candidacy from the Yale University Department of Comparative Literature. Should you need any further information from me, please let me know.

Thank you for the opportunity; I look forward to meeting you in the fall.

Sincerely,
Gregory B. Baulk
P.S. Is there anyone I can get in touch with regarding finding housing in New Haven?

***

April 3, 1954

Dear Mr. Baulk,

An unfortunate and troubling mistake has been made (two, actually), which I’m afraid will make it impossible for the Department of Comparative Literature at Yale University to offer you a place in the incoming graduate class of 1954. Due to the inclusion of an additional candidate, who we had mistakenly recorded as having declined our offer, which was not the case, we no longer have either the funding or the University’s permission to extend an invitation to you for the fall. We apologize for any inconvenience this might cause you and wish you luck in finding an institution whereat to pursue your graduate studies. And, of course, you should feel free to apply for the incoming class of 1955.

Mit freundlichen Grüßen,

Benson Kruger, Ph.D.
Director of Graduate Studies
The Department of Comparative Literature
Yale University

***

April 8, 1954

Dear Dr. Kruger,

I was confused and surprised by your last letter, and thought I would write to confirm what I assume must be an error. I do believe that I applied to and was admitted to the Ph.D. program in the Department of Comparative Literature at Yale University. Certainly, in such a case as this, an exception can be made. Though I know that you try to cap your admissions a six, perhaps this year, you might allow in seven? At the very least, I would expect that you would allow me to defer my acceptance until next year.

Sincerely,

Gregory Baulk
Ph.D. Candidate, Yale University

***

April 15, 1954

Dear Mr. Baulk,

I do understand your confusion, and I wish that I could allay your worries. Let me assure you that if there were any way that we could be fair to you while also being fair to the other candidates to whom we made offers, we would. Neither the finances nor the staffing resources are available to make an exception in this case. (Eisenhower’s redirection of monies to Vietnam has already begun to affect the strength of our endowment; we all must do our part.) Let me assure you that what you are experiencing is an aberration: a simple, honest error has been made. We do apologize for this, but trust that you will one day understand—if not sympathize—with our position. A fine scholar, with a record such as yours, should have no problem finding a placement elsewhere. We do wish you the best of luck.

Lux et veritas,

Benson Kruger, Ph.D.
Director of Graduate Studies
The Department of Comparative Literature
Yale University

***

April 22, 1954

Dear Dr. Kruger,

I have heard some startling information from a friend of mine who currently attends your university. Please tell me that I am mistaken, and that my position on your incoming class roster has not been filled by a ham sandwich. I eagerly await your reply.

Sincerely,

Gregory Baulk
Ph.D. Candidate, Yale University
P.S. My father is a lawyer, and if I have indeed been replaced by a comestible, you can be certain we will press this matter further.

***

May 1, 1954

Dear Mr. Baulk,

I can assure you that your place on the 1960 class roster was not filled by a ham sandwich. The last candidate we accepted was an exceptional human scholar from North Dakota; though we were very excited about your proposed research into the “secret literature of the pygmy slow loris,” we are also very pleased the class we have selected. I wish I could provide you with more information, but such information is kept strictly confidential. I do hope this helps you to begin to put this affair behind you.

Bien à toi,

Benson Kruger, Ph.D.
Director of Graduate Studies
The Department of Comparative Literature
Yale University

P.S. I am very pleased that your father has found a career for himself. We wish him the best of luck going forward; we do not, however, believe at this time that is necessary to meet with him in person. We thank you, nonetheless, for the offer.

P.P.S. Incidentally, we did not quite understand your last point, as you were of course replaced by a comestible, i.e., an unspoiled member of the species homo sapiens. Did you really not think you were edible?

***

May 7, 1954

Dear Dr. Kruger,

Sir, I must admit that I am disappointed by the slippery and disingenuous content of your last reply. I have since ascertained the list of the 1960 class:

David Wilmington
Chin Ho Bok
Ham Sandwich
Harold B. Childress, III
Shirley Fincher
Jerome Du Bois

You have clearly selected a ham sandwich instead of me as a member of your incoming 1954 class. Please be honest with me in your replies; I cannot fathom how the work of a sandwich—the most simplistic of all the combinatory hand-held foods—could possibly have warranted such attention from the committee. This inclines me to think that I have been marked as guilty by association.

Given your previous reference to Ike and the effects of the battle of Dien Bien Phu, I fear that you all were threatened by the focus of my research interests as declared in my statement of purpose. Let me assure you that the slow loris is also indigenous to Cambodia, Laos, and China, that my interest in the history of its poetics is purely academic, and, in any case, that I am not focusing on customarily more incendiary syndicalist villanelles or fascist odes. Moreover, may I remind you that McCarthy is not doing so well in his hearings; this is not the time to be conservative (it’s 1954 for god’s sake!). If your rationale for my exclusion is political, then at least have the decency to tell me so; otherwise, please, tell me this is some sort of joke!

Sincerely,

Gregory Baulk
One-time Ph.D. Candidate, Yale University

P.S. My father, who is very well pleased with his career choice, has been advised. Expect to hear from him shortly.

***

May 15, 1954

Dear Mr. Kruger,

I am afraid you did not receive my last letter, as you have not replied. Though I assume by now that you have been contacted by Kendall, Franklin, and Baulk, I am still hoping that we might conclude this affair amicably and out of the courts. I have all confidence in Yale, and the Department of Comparative Literature, and feel that I can say for certain that they would never deny a man his rightful education in favor of a stack of deli meat on white bread. Please contact me should you have similar wishes and beliefs.

Sincerely,

Gregory Baulk
Hopeful Ph.D. Candidate, Yale University

***

May 22, 1954

Dear Mr. Baulk,

I can see now, considering your crude and mistaken assumptions regarding our candidates, that I shall have to explain the case in full. Let me remind you, before I begin, that you were at no point in direct competition with Ham Sandwich for a place on the incoming class roster. Once we saw the capacity for erudition and profound attention to detail of Sandwich, it rose immediately to the top of our list, making it in no way a direct competitor of yours.

It was Professor Perry Birmbo who first discovered the sandwich’s genius. We were having a debate about whose aphorisms were sexier when translated into Medieval Dutch—Wittgenstein’s or Nietzsche’s—when Sandwich let drop a piece of wilted arugula that floored us all and ended the debate of a sudden. It was only afterwards that we developed a better understanding of the precise and well-crafted nature of its constitution: its Virginia honey baked center; its incredibly accessible Swiss cheese; its layers of Italian greenery and Shitake mushrooms. The small spice of Aji Molido from Argentina; the Dijon mustard; the German Meerrettich! And the jälkiuunileipä—the Finnish sourdough rye bread—my God! Birmbo was fired immediately for going out to lunch and leaving such a collaborative miracle unattended in the staff refrigerator; he was of course immediately rehired for having not eaten the sandwich and recognizing its unlimited potential in the field of comparative analysis.

Because I fear you may still not be able to comprehend the breadth of Sandwich’s erudition and insight without further documentation, I have enclosed a dossier including his recent work on silence and self expression through decay. Phenomenal, inimitable work, I assume you will agree. I pass on this work to you not in order to undervalue your proposed course of study or to suggest that you will not go on to do fine work in your own right; on the contrary, I suspect you will have great success. I do, however, hope you can see that it is no slight to your own standing as an academic.

Cordialmente,

Benson Kruger, Ph.D.
Director of Graduate Studies
The Department of Comparative Literature
Yale University

P.S. Your fears regarding our “fears” of your political leanings are appreciated but misguided. That you would assume that we would be swayed so easily by such factors encourages us to wonder why you were so eager to be a member of our institution. Should these fears be quelled over the next few months, please feel free to reapply this fall, as was originally suggested.

 

Epilogue

As many know, Gregory Baulk never responded to Dr. Kruger’s final missive. He was, however, arrested 23 days later on charges of trespassing, breaking and entering, and attempted murder. After unlawfully entering Leigh Hall after hours, he apparently sought out the Comparative Literature Department and then forced the lock to the faculty lounge in an attempt to locate the refrigerator Dr. Kruger had mentioned during their correspondence. He did not, of course, find Ham Sandwich, who had by that time been given a private refrigerator in its own office. Baulk was found on the lounge’s couch the following morning, prone and feverish, suffering from food poising after consuming a completely untalented chicken club that Newton von Gregor had, to his colleague’s repeatedly voiced dismay, left in the refrigerator since March. Dr. Oliphant Segre—whose recent monograph, The Ideological Pickle: The Most Important Things Ham Sandwich Never Said, analyzes “traces of neo-fascism” in Sandwich’s early work—has suggested that Sandwich’s fervor for recognition and ultimate decline into xenophobia and segregationist rhetoric is the long-developing but nonetheless direct effect of Sandwich’s inability to deal adequately with the implications of this early attempt on its life. We many never know the truth; perhaps the mystery is best summed by the following, perhaps apocryphal, comment from Sandwich’s “discoverer,” Dr. Birmbo. When informed of the Baulk’s unsuccessful but intentionally murderous act of consumption, Birmbo quipped, “Maybe the boy was just hungry.”

————
Nelson Lloyd, the fictional result of collaborations between Bob and Grace Nelson and Lloyd and Lola Lewis, resides in a small house off Rogers Street in Bloomington, IN. He lives there with his double, whose daily exploits are so indescribable that Lloyd lost six fingers and a toe trying to write him into this bio.

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