1. Don’t apologize for nervously vomiting on your date. This is to be expected, so a simple “pardon me” will do.

2. Don’t start a savage attack of any PBS or NPR show, one is bound to be a favorite of your date. Saying something like, “Dr. Who is stupid” will usually result in tears and possibly an at-table suicide attempt.

On one of the many occasions (in a single workday) that I peruse CNN, I happened to stumble upon a headline that managed to, in the .25 seconds it took for me to read, take me from an unnatural giddiness, to a combination of disgust and an unfathomable sadness. I have just read a bit

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Outhouse Johnny is part of a large family of object-headed people. God only knows why these people were cursed with these heads, or why Outhouse Johnny was picked out among those hundreds of unfortunates to have an outhouse on his shoulders. Johnny will never find true love, and he will never get an honest job.

Do bears shit in the woods?

Sometimes. Scientists have searched for many years for an ursine latrine but have found it as elusive as an elephant’s graveyard. Their best guess—based on the idea that living things ingest food as well as expel waste, and old episodes of Gentle Ben—is that bears have a highly developed bladder that permits them, like Wal-Mart employees, to wait extremely long periods before going to the bathroom.

This is obviously a follow-up to last week’s comic. After eating lasagna (without garlic bread) and being treated for third degree burns from the shoulders up, Winslow approaches Quentin Sadguy with a look of friendly concern on his face….