Pleading on Bended Knee

Sep 19th, 2011 | By | Category: Columns

On one of the many occasions (in a single workday) that I peruse CNN, I happened to stumble upon a headline that managed to, in the .25 seconds it took for me to read, take me from an unnatural giddiness, to a combination of disgust and an unfathomable sadness. I have just read a bit of news that made me die a little bit more on the inside, and feel that I at least owe it to myself to say what needs to be said, and, if lucky enough, change the current course of history.


To: Shawn Stockman, Nathan Morris, and Wanya Morris aka Boyz II Men.

Before I go any further, just let me say that I’m a huge fan, my earliest memories of singing involve belting out “Mowtown Philly,” off-key, as an eight-year-old on a bus in Brussels. Granted, the concept of “singing on key” was lost on me (I likely made the citizens around me wish the Germans successfully broke through the allied lines during the Battle of the Bulge, and threw those upstart Americans back into the Atlantic). The first CD I purchased when I managed to finagle a discman out of my mother was “II.” Hell, I contribute my vocal training to singing every song off of “Evolution” on a consistent basis. I went so far as to learn all the subtle nuances in “I’ll Make Love to You” for the sole purpose of being prepared for an impromptu karaoke session. (Sadly, a talent that has thus far gone unused.)

All that being said, why, in the blue hell, are you doing anything even REMOTELY music related with a being who has as much musical ability as someone who can three-star songs in Guitar Hero on medium? You’re leaps and bounds ahead of “The Biebs.”  Now, I know the economy is tough, and lord knows it’s trying on all of us to make ends meet, but this? You’re Boyz II-Men. I’ll say that again:  “you’re Boyz II fucking-Men.” You’ve won awards based on your talent, without having to appeal to a demographic that can barely grasp the meaning of Cat in the Hat. You’ve outlasted all the “recent” teen heartthrobs by…you know…actually producing music, not noise. (Yes, I’m aware plaid pants hitched up to my neck and a walker with tennis balls on the legs are in my immediate future.)

This entire ordeal can be likened to Michael Jordan retiring, but, instead of knowing when to call it quits, and go out on top, started playing for the talentless Washington Wizards, who, even with the power of His Royal Airness, still managed to suck unmercifully. Eventually Jordan wised up and dropped the Wizards like an unwanted child on the steps of a church, but now, his legacy is slightly marred due to his stint there. This collaboration (and I use the term loosely) with Bieber is worse. You don’t have to pretend you give a rat’s ass about allowing him to fulfill a dream, or pretend it’s an “honor” to work with him. Just be honest, you’re broke and it was either this or appearing in a used car commercials for the greater Philadelphia metropolitan area.

Please…just walk away from this mess. Think about all you’ve done and spawned. A number of R&B groups attribute their start to you, and I’ve no doubt that you managed to increase the human population by no less than 12.5 million people…which…..are probably Bieber fans….*sigh* …dammit….


PS: Cooleyhighharmony is still the shit.

PPS: You’ve crossed into your 40s…can we just call you “Men” at this point?

Chris hates anyone or anything which goes against how he feels a sentient being with more than three brain cells should act. He hopes to use his “Encyclopedia Douchebag…ica” as a springboard into becoming a full-fledged, tax exempt religion complete with holidays and greeting cards, mainly so he can steal from its coffers. His hopes are…not that high, knowing that those who needs his guidance most, are unable to read his words… what with the extra flesh from their sloped, ape-like foreheads blinding their eyes from the truth.

When not acting like a complete bastard (which is not very often), Chris writes about all things video game related on his blog iNOOBriated, and his Twitter. He also offers his services as a freelancer for Beckett’s Massive Online Gamer. Yep, he’s a neeeeeerd.

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