MS. BLACK. Good morning everyone. I hereby call the Subcommittee on Government Organization, Efficiency, and Financial Management to order. I see that all the members are present and accounted for, so let’s begin.

I recognize myself for an opening statement.

We have been assembled today to review an unprecedented, highly worrisome, and seemingly impossible development. According to a study published by the Gallup Poll last week, Congress’ already abysmally low approval rating has dropped into the negatives for the first time in history.

I understand that in order to exist in a society of laws and other such nonsense, that I’m not allowed to flat out smack people I don’t feel like dealing with, an inconvenience I just have to live up to. What I will not accept is having to engage in idle chit-chat because people find

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Just something simple for today. Sometimes, you just want to draw a picture of someone eating his own head, only it isn’t really his head, because he’s using his head to eat the new head. Also, when the old head isn’t attached to the body, the new head doesn’t have anywhere to go after it’s chewed up. This is basic stuff, but I thought I’d point it out to you.

To Mr. Timmy Smothers,

Since 2000 Grandpaternal Incorporated (G.I.) has dedicated itself to ensuring that you receive the highest quality Grandparents. We consider our Grandparents the best money can buy in performance and longevity.

Having said this, it pained us to hear of your complaint that your 2005 Grandfather unit, make: 72-year-old male and model: Caucasian retired Toll Booth Operator, were not lucid and using curse words with guests. It is also upsetting to hear your Grandfather was urinating in the flower bushes, walking around the house nude and attempting to strike members of your family with a broken table leg. This is uncalled for and we sincerely apologize for this inconvenience. A G.I. crew will be sent to your home as soon as possible to remove your faulty grandparents and replace them with new ones.

Sincerely,

Arnold Johnson

Grandpaternal Incorporated Marketing Director

Most wizards’ power comes directly from their hats. The hats actually act as second brains, because the majority of spells are so incredibly complex the average person has no way of storing more than a handful at a time. Truly great wizardry requires a substantial repertoire, and so the standard issue wizard hat is employed to store all the spells the wizard can’t remember on their own. Strange but true!