Today’s televised political debates are a difficult medium for the candidates, since each must craft a memorable sound bite of his or her position in thirty seconds for an audience that would rather be watching Dancing with the Stars or Chopped. But were things better on town squares and fairgrounds in Illinois in 1858 when the candidates spoke uninterrupted for two hours on a rickety wooden platform in each of seven open-air encounters? Here’s the truth about those highly touted Lincoln-Douglas debates.

Sometimes I wish human facial expressions had the elasticity of cartoon characters. No one would be able to hide their real feelings. And if anyone won the lottery, everyone would no without smug announcements of sudden wealth.

Dear Uncle Jay:

I have recently been contemplating abandoning my job as an itinerant poultry inspector–I’m really tired of all the politics and drama–in order to pursue a full-time career as a gangster. My friend Irwin says that I will never get anywhere in that field without a catchy and colorful nickname, but I’m at a loss as to how to choose one. Can you help?

–B.W., Racine, Wisconsin

Since it’s the day after Thanksgiving and I didn’t feel like putting up a Thanksgiving-themed comic up yesterday, here’s a turkey-themed comic. Because people cook turkeys on days other than Thanksgiving, right? And you probably have some cold turkey leftover from yesterday, right? So turkey’s still fresh in your mind? Maybe even in a sandwich?

Dear God,

First of all, thank You for sharing Your work with us. I think it has a lot of potential; there’s some interesting imagery, and it flows well. There are a few things, though, that I think are working against it right now.

Like, when we start off, it’s 13.7 billion years ago, and stuff is all hot and dense, so it starts expanding, and the rapid expansion cools everything off, resulting in a continuously expanding state. (Or everything is created from nothing six thousand years ago? There seems to be a discrepancy here.) Your descriptions are really good, but I’m left wondering why any of this is happening in the first place. What’s it all for? You need to ask Yourself, “Why today?”